“If I win,” She moves her head to the side, trying to think of what she wants as a prize. “I’ll buy you a drink after this. Is that okay?”
In her head I am supposed to be unavailable, that is the whole reason I blew her off and she basically hooked up with Sage.
“That is okay.” I ignore images of them kissing. “When I win, I would like to take you somewhere.” My cheeks burn but I try to play it cool.
She bites her lip and leans down so we are eye to eye. I hang on to her every breath.
“You’re on.”
******
“If you turn out to be a serial killer, I am going to be pissed. But at least I will die happy.” Quin opens the passenger side door and steps out.
Kendall had driven her car back to their house and we shortly left after grabbing ice cream next door. She assured me she could pick it up tomorrow and I had nothing to worry about. It was overall a good time. Her brother and sisters are fun and laid back. I was comfortable around them by the end of the day.
“Oh, hush.” I walk towards the metal fence between the parking lot and the water in front of us.
The moonlight is bright and clearly reflects off the dark waters. There are some street lights every so often and the trees on the other side give the walking trail enough privacy during the day. I usually come here on days where I need to leave the house for a couple of hours. The path follows the river, making it a lovely sight on a sunny day. There is a nice dog park about a mile south of here and if we keep walking north, we will eventually get to the airport. Tonight, there are no other cars parked, most of the crowd is two streets over at the bars.
She comes to stand next to me and looks down at the water.
I decide to ask her some questions before throwing it all out there.
“How did you know I spent so much time in the library?” I lean out further to look down at the black water splashing against the cement wall. I think I know the answer but I want to hear it. I decided to move to this city because it was close to my campus and I loved the feel of it here. Nothing like how it was back home
“Go Panthers.” She lamely pumps her fist in the air. We went to the same college and we never met? That is just cruel. She has been here for a while and we are just now crossing paths again? I guess that is better than never seeing her again.
I laugh. “Why did we never meet?”
She wrinkles her nose. “We did, actually. Once.”
My eyes widen. “What?”
She nods, “You were leaving the library, I had just transferred in for my last year of college.”
I try to think back to an image of me meeting this beautiful human being but I can’t.
“You were coming out, dropped some books. I helped you but then you went along as if nothing happened once you had them.” She puts a hand over her chest. “I was a goner.”
I drop my gaze and look at her hand over her heart. I shake my head. “I don’t remember.” I was probably cursing myself for being such a klutz and ran away before even acknowledging whoever helped. That sounds more like me.
She chuckles. “Of course, you don’t. It was so insignificant. I would have been surprised if you did.”
I stare back out at the water. “And somehow you found out where I worked?” Although I am elated that we are here together I am nervous that this is too good to be true. Fate is giving us a second chance? What is the catch?
She laughs. “I was actually reached out by a recruitment agent for the sales spot. I interned at another spot that offered me a job afterwards but I wanted to try something new. And then wouldn’t you know it, there you were. Seeing you on my first day, throwing coffee at my brand-new shirt, was more than I could have ever asked for.”
I run my hand through my hair so that it blocks her from my side view. The embarrassment is killing me. “I’m sorry, again.”
“I’m not.” She turns her back towards the water and leans back against the railing. Her hand comes up and brushes my hair aside. I instinctively try to move away but her hand brushes my cheek.
I lean into her touch and close my eyes. I allow myself to give us this moment. I have been yearning for it all day. Hell, all week. My face tilts up. I want this. Even if PDA is not my thing, I am willing to throw it all out the window if it means she keeps touching me like this.
Her phone rings and I pull back, putting some distance between us.
“Hey,” She answers calmly. She puts another strand of hair behind my ear, watching me intently. “You okay?”
I don’t know how she can focus on anything else right now, much less carry on a conversation.
“Yeah, I can do that.” She says a couple of more words into the receiver and then hangs up.
“Everything alright?” I don’t want to ask who it was or what she promised to do.
She nods. “Sage asked for a ride. I think her friends left her stranded at some bar.”
I can feel the disappointment settle on my chest. My features are hard to control but I try to seem unaffected. This is not how tonight was supposed to end. I was supposed to tell her how I felt and clear up any confusion between us so that we could finally move in the right direction. I was even stupid enough to hope she would have kissed me.
“Is she your girlfriend?” It is hard not to sound jealous when I am engulfed by the feeling.
“It’s complicated.” She inclines towards me, still leaning against the rail.
“It’s not that complicated.” I look up at her. “Either you two are together or you’re not. And if you are, you shouldn’t be here with me.”
She scoffs. “I could say the same about you.” Her lips are firm.
I don’t want to say something stupid and make this night even worse. I decide that some space will do us some good. I feel the tears trying to make their way out. They are tears of frustration. I hate it. I try to walk away but she pulls me into her chest.
“One day you’re practically telling me to fuck off and the next you’re inviting me on a hike. Does your girlfriend know you’re here with me now?” Her eyes are burning. She has both of my hands in her grip. I’m leaning fully into her. It’s hard to look away from her eyes.
“What girlfriend?” I’m finding it harder to differentiate the jealousy, anger, confusion, and sexual frustration coursing through me.
She leans down to kiss me and I give in. I kiss her with relentless need. I want to be all over her. I want her touching every inch of me. I moan as her tongue sneaks into my mouth. My toes curl and I stand up straight so that I can taste every inch of her inviting mouth.
She pulls back. I have to stop myself from following her lips.
“Fuck.” She looks upset. “What are you doing to me?”
“I’m sorry.” My breathing is out of control. I want her. She seems to want me too but she also wants Sage.
“What do you want?” She leans back down, hovering over my lips.
“You.” I breathe against her lips.
“Just me? No one else?” Her eyes are serious. “Because I won’t be the side chick. I don’t share.”
“Just you. It’s only ever been you.” I don’t know how much clearer I can be. Okay maybe I do but right now all I can think about is that scorching kiss only she can give me.
“Okay.” She pulls back and walks towards the car. She looks unaffected by our kiss. She’s walking perfectly fine. There is actually a slight bounce in her steps.
“Okay?” The annoyance drips from my tone. The heat between my legs wants to be the center of attention. Why can’t I be as cool as she is? Kiss her uncontrollably and then go on about my day?
“Yeah.” She shrugs her shoulders. “Now, can you give me a ride so that I can pick up Sage?”
My jaw drops and I basically run towards her and shove her against my car. “Fuck you!”
She looks taken aback but otherwise confused. I am also very confused. I never get this angry. It is almost impossible to let something affect me to this point, but Quin is doing just fine getting me here. Why is there so much emotion in my voice? Did I just push her? I go with it, because at this point, I need answers and I need to make sure we are on the same page here. With Sage nowhere in our future.
I push against her again. “We kiss, and I tell you I want you,” She wraps her hands around my wrist and guides me to the back of my car. “You seem happy about that and then you immediately start thinking about Sage?” I try to fight her off and throw curse words at her and she drags me to the back door. “I tell you it has only been you and you pull this shit! What are you doing!” I’m struggling against her as she opens the car door and guides me down in the back seat.
She covers my body with hers and gives me a passionate kiss, officially shutting me up. I continue to struggle for as long as I can before my breathing becomes too labored and I’m practically grinding against her. One of her hands swiftly comes down, unbuckles my jeans, and sneaks into my soaked underwear.
“For fucks sake.” She groans against my lips and bites my bottom lip.
I squirm against her fingers and feel a tingling sensation in my nipples.
“Had I known you were this wet all along I wouldn’t have been able to resist doing this for as long as I did.” She moans against my lips.
I moan into her mouth at her words. My body heat rises. The sensation between my legs spread to the rest of my body. It is easy for her fingers to slide against my slick folds. I’m so glad I shaved today. A girl can only hope.
“We’ll make this quick since we don’t want to keep Sage waiting.” She chooses that exact moment to insert two fingers inside of me. My back arches.
I grind my teeth and open my eyes to glare at her.
“I’m kidding. I just want to see where your jealousy lies, baby.” She kisses me and fingers me with patience. “We have all the time in the world.”
She fucks me with her fingers as her tongue massages my own. I am getting thoroughly fucked. I love it. Every second of it. I am ready to combust into flames by the time she flicks my clit. “You like that?” Her question sounds genuine. Do my moans make her think otherwise?
“Quin!” I try to warn her.
“Yes, baby?” She flicks my clit again. Giving it the proper attention it needs. She rubs her thumb against it, in a circular motion. My hips move on their own.
Digging my face into her neck, I muffle my screams as I cum against her hand and drench my underwear even further. She pets and pets, milking every drop of cum out of me. I remove my lips from her neck and shake my head when she starts to finger me again.
“Yes, baby. One more. This time I want to see your face.” She pulls back to look down at me. Her bangs are plastered against her forehead from the light layer of swear we have formed. The windows are fogged up and I smell my scent everywhere. She is breathing as hard as I am and although her cheeks are flushed, I know mine are burning. She uses her palm to rub my clit and my eyes flutter close.
“Um..” Just like that I am close again. I’m ready to cum again, for her, on her fingers, at her command.
My hips thrust into her hand. The fact that she is watching me come undone makes this ten times hotter than I would have thought possible. Her eyes are completely zoned into every facial expression, every body movement. Nothing is lost on her. She pumps her fingers in and out at a quicker pace and I cry out in release for a second time. The blood rushes to my neck and my face, and I feel completely out of my depth. I see stars behind my eyelids. I have never been with someone so experienced. The only thing I can focus on is her soft hand in between my legs. She removes it slowly and I feel her wet fingers brush against my lips. I open my eyes in time to see her slip the two fingers in her own mouth. I breathe out amazed.
“Just to let you know, I wanted to do this properly. On an actual bed. But you get very sexy when you’re angry.” She kisses me deeply.
I am horrified at how eagerly I kiss her back, looking for more. How can I still want more? What else is there?
She chuckles against my lips. “Good thing we have all weekend to rectify that.”
******
I shift in my seat again and ignore the tingle against my clit.
“Do you need to cum again?” Quin leans into my neck and brushes her soft lips against my skin.
My breathing changes and I squirm away. Just like that I do. I want to. Especially when she looks at me that way. She is very dangerous for me.
She leans back and stares out the window with a knowing smile on her face. We’re waiting for Sage to come out of the bar. It has been five minutes and I still don’t think the smell has left the car. I open the back windows too.
Quink smirks but doesn’t say anything.
The radio is low, some alternative rock is playing in the background.
“Have you hooked up with Sage?” I pretend to adjust my rear-view mirror.
“No.” She doesn’t hesitate.
“Have you guys kissed?” I hate that I am doing this to myself.
“Nope.” She pulls out her phone, probably texting Sage again.
I shift to look at her. “Really?”
She nods. “Why would I lie about that?”
“When we played never have I ever, she drank when Pen asked if anyone in the room had kissed.” I point out.
She gives me a lazy smile. “I asked her about that too. She said she was thirsty.” She shrugs and looks back out to the street.
There is a guy in a Hawaiian shirt trying to hit on two girls who look uninterested.
My brows furrow. “So, what was so complicated about your relationship?”
“Why didn’t you take a shot? We had kissed by then. Did you not want Penelope to know?” She ignores my question.
“Pen already knew. That’s the reasons she asked the stupid question. But by then I had already finished my two shots. Now, why is it complicated between you and Sage?”
I brace myself for impact.
“Sage made it very clear she was into me from the beginning.” She runs her hands through her bangs, trying to make them look presentable. They’re somewhat frizzy now from being plastered against her forehead. She still looks breathtaking to me.
“And?” Ugh is this what it is like talking to me? Why is she beating around the bush? I finally feel bad for Pen. If I can be straightforward in the future, I promise I will be. This is agonizing.
“I told her I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I’ve been hung up on a girl who already has a girlfriend.” She gives me a pointed look.
I blush.
“And she said she would wait however long it took. We never kissed or touched but she never gave up.” She looks down at her phone again.
I bite my lip and stare at the bar’s entrance. Sage better be coming out soon. We have been waiting for too long.
“I never had a girlfriend.” I admit. Just to further clarify things between us.
She looks over at me. “Why did you keep blowing me off?”
I shrug. “I’ve never felt like this. About anyone. It is different. Scary.”
She thinks about it. “Why did Penelope say you had a girlfriend?”
I groan and lean my head against the steering wheel. “She kept talking about how I needed a life outside of work and I told her I had one. But then it turned into me dating someone and I tried to take it back but it was too late.” I turn to look at her, trying to forget how upset she looked when she left my apartment. “I was talking about you, you know? When I said I met someone you were the person that popped into my head.”
“You mean I was jealous of myself?” She doesn’t sound upset. She leans across the center console and kisses me. “Does that mean we are exclusive?”
I nod. “I just need you to be patient with me. This is all new to me.”
She runs a hand against my hair. “Of course.”
“Quin!” Sage’s shrill is heard down the street. She stumbles through the heavy wooden door and walks to my car.
Quin hops out to help her get into the back.
“What is she doing here?” She is definitely drunk, not even pretending to be nice.
“Hi, Sage.” I turn on the car and start driving downtown. Quin gives me directions and I try to ignore the jealousy again. Maybe they have spent time together but nothing has happened. Quin said nothing happened. I have to trust her
“How was your night?” Quin breaks the silence.
I look back at Sage who is glaring at me. Back at you, sweetie.
“Well, I was hoping to get laid.” She gives Quin a lewd look.
Quin laughs. “Doesn’t being bisexual open up the dating pool more? You couldn’t find one lucky bastard in that bar that wanted to take you home?”
Ugh, I would rather be in a car with literally anyone else at the moment.
“I was looking for a female friend who knew just how to take care of me.” Sage pouts.
How does she do it? How can she manage to be so drunk and yet so desirable at the same time? If I didn’t know she hated me so much I would be inclined to ask.
“The night is still young.” Quin reaches out and takes one of my hands in hers. “Call someone up and I am sure they will jump at the opportunity.”
I focus on our hands. She is establishing that she is with me. Sage is seeing this right? I look back and she is still glaring at me. Her upper lip actually curls.
“Here we are.” I pull up to her building.
“Quin, I need your help walking me to my door.” She leans in between us.
Quin nods. She gets out and goes to the back to open Sage’s door. After she makes sure Sage can stand, she turns to look back at me. “I’ll be back in ten minutes.”
I wave at them and look at the time.
******
Thirty minutes pass before Quin comes back out.
She looks tired.
“Sorry, that took so long.” She puts on her seat belt and blows a breath out.
“Are you okay?” I turn on the car but turn to look at her. I notice something on her neck.
“Yeah. Sage is just a lot to deal with when she’s that drunk.” She avoids looking at me.
“What is that?” I reach out and run my hand against the neckline of her shirt. The same glossy red lipstick that was on Sage’s pouty lips is now on Quin’s shirt. I snatch my hand away. My stomach drops.
Quin looks down and her cheeks flare up. “It’s not what you think.” She tries to remove the lip gloss but it just rubs the stain in deeper.
“What happened up there?” I hold on to my steering wheel for dear life.
“Sage was really drunk and fell against me.” She finally looks at me. “Nothing happened.”
My stomach turns and I shake my head. “You don’t need to explain yourself.” I pound down on every emotion I’m feeling, searching desperately for the feeling of indifference. It is a feeling I am familiar with. Something that I use when I don’t feel like myself.
“Are you sure?” She tries to reach out for me but I move away and put the car on drive. “You don’t look okay.”
The breath that leaves my lips is meant to sound like a laugh but it doesn’t. “I’m fine.” We stop at a red light. “I think I should take you home.”
I am met with silence.
“Do you know how to get home from here?” I ask her. I mean, she has probably driven home many times after being with Sage. Doing whatever they do up in her apartment.
“Yeah.” Her voice is resigned but she gives me directions.
We don’t say anything else.
The radio is still playing in the background but I am too far away to hear it.
She lives about ten minutes away from Sage. How convenient.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” She doesn’t make a move to get out of my car.
“I actually have some errands to run, I’ll let you know.” I’m staring straight ahead.
“Please don’t do this.” She leans over me and takes my seat belt off. I feel too exhausted to fight her off. She drags me onto her seat and pushes it back so that there is enough space for me to sit on her lap. “Talk to me.” She kisses my temple.
My eyes close and I lean my head down on her chest. My thoughts simmer down from their boil point. The steam is lessening and I can hear her heartbeat. I focus on that.
“Is your first instinct to run when dealing with difficult situations?” She doesn’t sound angry or like she’s judging. She sounds genuinely curious.
I nod, not trusting my voice.
“How do you feel?” She rubs my back. Her voice soothing my worries away.
“Insecure. Upset. Not in control.” This is the most honest I have been with myself and anyone else for that matter. It feels nerve wrecking. What if she thinks I’m weak and unstable and completely not worth it?
“Wow.” She continues to run her warm hand down my side. “You’re good at that.”
“At what?” I still don’t have the guts to look up at her.
“Recognizing your feelings. It’s one thing to avoid feeling bad. It’s another to pinpoint and acknowledge the actual feelings.” She whispers into my ear. “I’m proud of you, baby.”
I melt against her arms and allow her to make me feel better.
We talk some more about why I feel the way I do, how she can help me feel better, and how we should handle it in the future. Something I have never done in my past. It is all so foreign and strange. And yet it is exactly what I need. She is really good at this.
“I would invite you up but I think we need to take this slow.” She shifts so that I can go back to my seat. She steps out of the car and leans down to look at me. “Are we good?”
I nod and ignore my flaming cheeks.
I am more than good. I am in love.
******
Monday morning rolls around and the butterflies in my stomach don’t let up.
We decided to give each other some time off this weekend to get used to the idea of us. More like Quin asked if I needed time and like a coward, I took it. It is just all so much and it is happening so fast. Nothing can prepare me. I did miss her but it was manageable. I was able to do my laundry and clean my apartment. Did I wish she dropped by unexpectedly? Sure. Was I grateful that she did not? Definitely.
I even got to call Pen for the first time with actual news about my own life. I told her what I felt comfortable telling her about that night and it was nice to hear her cheer me on. She gave me some words of wisdom but mostly asked when I was going to do the deed with Quin. I had to pretend to have other things on my mind but there is not denying there is a savage urge to sleep with Quin. She is a Goddess. On the inside and the outside. But all in due time. I will take it at her pace.
There is a warm coffee cup with a note on top waiting for me at my desk.
‘Good Morning, Anne.’ I hear her voice in my head. Practically purring against my neck.
She is respecting my wishes. She wanted to drive me to work today and kiss me in front of the whole building but I told her I wanted to keep things between us for as long as we can. She is my first official girlfriend…yeah, girlfriend and I am not ready to share that with others. Especially the part where they realize I prefer women. It is so revealing and I am not sure I am ready for that just yet.
I shoot her a thank you text with a heart.
“I didn’t get coffee this morning.” Pen sneaks up behind me.
I jump and hide the note under my desk. Even with Pen knowing all of the important details, I like the idea of some secrets shared only between Quin and I.
“Sorry, I was in a hurry and I forgot.”
She gives me a quick hug and sits on the chair next to me.
“So, how was your weekend?” There is a sparkle in her eye.
I grin. “You know exactly how it was.”
She giggles. “You’re blushing. This is adorable!” She gushes over me like some teenager and I can’t help but get caught up in the moment and laugh as well.
“She’s perfect.” I can’t deny it.
She nods, knowingly. “Everyone here knows it. You’re the one late to the game.”
“I know.” I fire up my computer and pull some papers out of my bag. “I’m just glad I’m getting to play at all.”
We talk about how Pen’s weekend was, how she got to binge watch another show, and about an upcoming project they have her working on.
“I was going to ask Sage for help, because she usually has a good eye for this type of stuff but I think I’ll ask Quin instead.” She notices my change of mood. “What?”
I did leave out the part about Sage and my breakdown in front of Quin’s apartment complex. It’s too embarrassing to fess up to now.
“Nothing, I just have so much work to do. Can we finish catching up during lunch?” The email in front of me has my full attention.
She gets up, unbothered and used to my mood shifts. “Sure! See you later!”
******
While Quin and I keep in touch through text throughout the week, we don’t get to actually see each other until that Thursday afternoon.
Now that she has been with the company long enough to be left to her own accord, she has been putting her best foot forward in everything she does. I no longer see her before or after work because we are always staying behind or coming in earlier at different times. I’m happy that she is turning out to be a great hire, I just wish she I got to see her more.
I arrange for a quick run in when I pretend to walk to Pen’s desk.
Quin’s eyes snap up when she hears Pen whisper my name in excitement.
“Thank you for visiting me!” Pen hugs me.
I look back and see Quin making her way towards us.
“Hi ladies.” Quin looks down at me.
I hang onto Pen’s arm for support. I am sure if she stepped away my legs would give out. Quin is wearing a black suit with a cream blouse. Her hair is down and her eyes are bright. Why have I stayed away for so long? Seeing her makes my whole day brighter. I need to do it more often. Even if it is only for a minute, it is worth it.
“Hi Quin.” My voice sounds timid.
“So much for visiting me.” Pen digs her elbow into my rib.
I give her the side eye and look back at Quin. “How’s work going?” I finally let go of Pen and lean back against her desk.
She nods. “Work is good. Keeping me busy, how about you?”
Pen watches out interaction like some audience member in the front row of a cheesy rom com film. She loves every second of it. I can see her dissecting every word of our conversation, trying to find some hidden meaning.
“Party in Pen’s office!” Sage comes in and stands close to Quin. “Thanks for the invite guys!” She pretends to look upset but brightly smiles up at Quin. Like a puppy. But not as cute as a puppy. Maybe the smile is a little too friendly.
The smile almost breaks my face. “I was just asking Pen for…” I look around and see some sticky notes on her desk, “For this.” I take the sticky notes and dash out of the room, but not before giving Quin a look under my lashes.
“I think I need some…of that too.” Quin rushes out and catches up to me.
She pulls me into the supply closet near the stairs and wastes no time kissing me behind the closed door. The lights are out. All I can feel are her lips against mine.
I push her away when I can’t take it anymore and place the sticky notes in her hands. “Here.”
She follows me out of the closet and gives the stack back to me. “I don’t need these.”
I see Pen and Sage looking at us from down the hall and my cheeks burn. Busted.
“Okay. Bye.” I rush down the stairs.
******
“Did you hear? About Quin?”
My ears perk up. I look down at the clock. Quin will be down any second. We’re supposed to be hanging out all weekend starting with a dinner date after work. I don’t want her coming down just to hear people gossip about her.
I get up from my desk and stomp to Ricky’s cubicle. He and Laura are looking down at his phone.
“Do you two have nothing better to do?” My eyes fall on the picture displayed on his phone.
Quin is laying down on a couch and Sage is right next to her, cuddled up. My hand reaches out to snatch his phone with lightning speed. There is no denying that the two are close. They look like a real couple. There is an easy smile on Quin’s lips and Sage is doing a duck face. It doesn’t look like Sage is wearing anything and if she is, it must have been very revealing. I’ve never been to either of their homes, so it could have been taken anywhere. I feel the train of emotions making their way towards me and I am helplessly tied to the tracks. I am gripping the phone so tightly that my knuckles turn white. No matter how many explanations I go through, nothing seems sufficient enough. This is hard to explain without some elaborate story. Do I even want to know?
“What is going on?” Quin says behind me.
Ricky and Laura look up at her with big eyes. I gather myself and lift my chin.
“Here.” I give her Ricky’s phone and push past her.
My one goal is to get out of the office as quickly as possible. I need fresh air and the comfort of my car, of my home. I need to be alone. Let myself process these feelings and then deal with them as best as I can. I throw my bag over my shoulder and grab my phone.
“Where did you get this?” Quin asks Ricky.
I rush out of the building, beelining to straight to my car.
“Anne!” Quin is on my heels.
“No!” I turn around and snap at her. I stand my ground and lift my chin.
She stops a couple of feet away, giving me a pleading look.
“I don’t want to hear it.” Although my face is emotionless, my tone is deceiving.
“I can explain.” Her eyes are looking for any indication that I will be open to hearing her out.
“I don’t care to know. I don’t want to know. I just want to go home.” I want to yell at her, ask her how she could explain that picture. It is all so distressing. My hands are shaking and I know it is only a matter of time before I break down. My heart is heavy, my thoughts are bleak, I am hurting.
“Can we talk later?” She tries to step closer but I hold my hand out.
“Please, don’t.” That is all I can say before getting in my car and speeding out of the garage.
******
“What can I say to make you feel better?” Pen is sitting next to me on my couch.
It is Saturday afternoon and I haven’t stopped crying. I cling to the blanket. My head is killing me and my eyes are puffy. I look a mess but Pen doesn’t care. She has been with me all day to make sure I eat and to make me feel better. No amount of T.V shows or songs have made me feel remotely better. How can I still want to be near her when she hurt me so much?
“Call me stupid.” I blow my nose.
She sucks her teeth. “That is an outright lie.”
After some more silence she gets up and brings me some leftover Chinese food.
“I hate to say this but I think you should hear her out.” She avoids eye contact.
For some irrational reason I feel betrayed all over again. “Pen, you didn’t see the picture. They were together, together.” I feel miserable all over again thinking about that damn picture.
“This could have been before you even gave her a second thought.” She tries to reason. She knows she’s walking on eggshells and I can explode at any moment.
That doesn’t make me feel any better. “She said they were never together, that they never even kissed.” I place the food on the coffee table and lay my head on Pen’s lap.
She is caught off guard but quickly recovers and runs her hand through my hair. I don’t ever do this. I never cry in front of her or ask her to comfort me or even allow her to get close enough to know there is something wrong. I am really broken.
“You seem so miserable.” Her voice is sad. “I know you don’t want to hear it but I think you have to talk to her. She is the only one that can set everything straight.”
My body stiffens. I want to talk to Quin, not to hear what excuse she has, but because I think she is the only one that can make me feel better. I cry harder and close my eyes. How can I trust her? She could hurt me all over again.
My phone rings and I rush to look at who is calling.
I am disappointed but still answer. Quin hasn’t called or texted. She is giving me space. I hate it. And I appreciate it.
“Bobbie?” My voice is shaky.
“Annie? What is going on? Are you okay?”
I tell him everything. And I mean everything. Pen follows my story and makes certain shocked expressions when she hears things I didn’t tell her before. There is no point in hiding it now. I need to put it all out there and see what I am left with.
“Do you need me to come over?” He is serious. “I can be there sometime later tonight.”
“No,” I blow my nose again and sit up. “I’m sorry, why were you calling?” I am his big sister. I should be caring for him.
“It’s not important now. Annie, you need to let it all out.”
“I am!” I get defensive. “It hurts.” My voice is so small.
“I know. But trust me, this is for the best. And then once you are spent and feel like you have nothing left, you call me back, okay? We can talk about it some more.” His tone is still worried.
“Bobbie, it’s okay. My friend is here and she’s helping me out.” I shouldn’t be unloading all of my problems off on him. He probably has other things to worry about.
“That’s good. And are you going to talk to Quin?”
“Why would I do that?” The tears just don’t stop. I am sick of them. I wipe them away with renewed anger. “I am done with her.”
“Annie,” He doesn’t buy it, neither does Pen apparently.
“What if it just makes it worse?” I sniffle.
“Somehow I doubt that. She seems like a genuine person. You have to hear her out for your sake.” He clears his throat. “Trust me, I have been there. I have perceived things a certain way and have been completely off. At the end of the day, you have to get the full story and then decide what to do with it.”
“What if-“
“Annie.” He is firmer. “Stop overthinking and just do it. The fact that you are so broken up about this shows how deeply you care for her. This is what love is. You allow yourself to be vulnerable and give yourself fully. No walls, no conditions, just yourself and your feelings. And then you hope that she loves you enough not to hurt you.”
“But she did hurt me.” The tears have finally stopped. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. For the first time since I saw that picture, all does not seem lost.
“She didn’t hurt you directly. You saw something and jumped to conclusions. Now, cry it all out of your system and then call her. Get the full picture.”
We exchange some goodbyes and I turn to look at Pen.
“I have to go see her.” My lower lip trembles,
She nods and gives me a hug. “Maybe you should wait until tomorrow.” I nod. “Also, your brother is very smart. Is he single?”
I laugh through the tears.
******
Maybe she isn’t even home.
I look up at the apartment building while gnawing on my lower lip. This is the correct building. I got the building number from Pen. I look at myself through my rearview mirror. My eyes are still slightly puffy but I think I look ten times better than I did last night. The sun is shining bright so it could be adding to my profile. Okay, enough stalling.
I pull out my phone and call Quin.
She answers on the first ring. “Anne? Thank God you called. We need to talk.” She sounds nervous.
“I’m downstairs. Can I come up?” I sound more confident than I feel. Hearing her voice soothes my aching heart.
She hesitates. “Let me come down.”
“Okay.”
I hop out of the car and walk towards the front entrance of her apartment building. I turn my back to the building, avoiding the reflection of myself on the glass. I’m wearing black leggings and a white t-shirt. Not very sexy, but the first thing I threw on this morning after showering. I drove here before losing my guts.
“Hi, Annie!” Sage voice comes up behind me.
I slowly turn around and see Quin and Sage standing in front of the door.
“Hi Sage.” I don’t smile. I avoid looking at Quin. At least I am not crying.
“I’ll see you at work.” Quin waves at Sage, who walks by me with a smile on her face.
My palm tingles as I imagine what it would be like to slap the smile off her face.
Quin grabs my hand and pulls me into her building. “Why were you two together?” I have a right to ask. We are meant to be exclusive after all. My first instinct is to run back to my car and rush home so I can cry again but I follow her into the elevator. She pushes the level 2 button.
“She wanted to talk.” She is still holding on to my hand.
I try to pull away but she doesn’t let go. “About?”
We step out of the elevator and I follow her to the last door on the right. “Would you like something to drink? Water maybe?”
“Do you have anything strong?” I am going to need it if I am going to hear her out.
Her apartment is the ideal apartment for a minimalist. The furniture is all black, the walls are white, only the gray couch and colorful throw pillows add depth to it. The curtains are white with black stripes. There are some modern pictures of the city hanging around.
She goes to her kitchen and I walk to the couch.
“What did you guys talk about?” I ask again. The question is eating me up. Why was Sage here? Does Quin really not understand how much that messes with me?
She comes into the living room with two glasses filled with dark liquor. I take a sip and try not to cough. That burns.
“Sage has a lot going on.” Quin sits at the other end of the cough and turns towards me.
She’s wearing sweats and a big t-shirt. Her hair is wet. She looks beautiful, as always.
“Is that all you’re going to tell me?” It is hard to hide my annoyance.
She shrugs. “It is not my place to tell you. It is her personal life and I have to respect her wishes to keep it between us.”
“Then why am I here?” I drink the rest of my drink. Shit, that really burns.
“I wanted to explain the picture.” She sips on her drink. “That was one of the first times Sage and I hung out.”
“You said you guys never kissed.”
“We haven’t.” She takes another sip. “Sage and I have a lot in common in the way we were raised. The past haunts us in different ways but we try to get past it.” She sighs. “That particular night was really hard on her and I tried to be there for her.”
I think about Pen comforting me yesterday on my couch and can understand some of it. It still doesn’t make me feel better. “So, you two have this special bond and I am supposed to be okay whenever you two want to comfort each other alone?”
“She is my friend. And I want to be a good friend to her.” She looks like she’s trying to work something out in her head.
I nod. “Okay, I get it.”
She looks surprised. “You do?”
“Yeah,” I place my glass on a coaster and get up. “You need to be in Sage’s life like she needs you and hers.”
She gets up as well, her surprised face turning into confusion.
“You are a really good friend. I guess I’ll see you around.” I need to leave.
“Wait.” She reaches out for me but I step back. “Why are you leaving?”
“Because I got my answer. And now I want to leave.” My face is blank.
“Anne, I don’t expect you to understand my friendship with Sage but that doesn’t mean I am choosing her over you. I want to be with you.”
I nod. “But I don’t think I can be with someone who puts their friendship first. I don’t get it and I don’t think I want to.”
“Are you saying I can’t have friends?” This is the first time I see her getting upset.
I shake my head. “Of course not. I just don’t think I can handle sitting back and letting some other girl have you at her beck and call.”
She huffs. “She is just a friend.”
“A friend that can call you at any time so you can pick her up? Or a friend that can come over and cuddle you on your couch and leave lipstick on your shirt.?” I raise my voice. Am I going crazy? Is this normal? To have your significant other come second place to your friend?
“I know it looks bad but you are just going to have to trust me.” She is pleading.
“I don’t want to have to worry about Sage making a move on you every time you two are together. It isn’t fair.” I move past her towards the front door.
She comes up from behind and makes me turn to face her. Her face is inches away from mine. “Don’t do this. Please, Anne.”
I stare up at her, my heart beating a hundred miles per hour.
“Give me a chance, please.” Her lips get closer to mine.