I get up soundlessly and use the bathroom to freshen up. I take a quick bath, brush my teeth, and change my clothes for the day. I opt for some black leggings and a long T-shirt. I avoid looking at Quin as I make my way towards the kitchen. I take out some eggs, bacon, and toast. Does she prefer orange or cranberry juice? Does she eat meat? I think back to the cookout and the rack of ribs on her plate. Pork is fine.
I hear the bathroom door close and jump. She’s awake.
Act normal. Keep cooking. Shit! The eggs are over cooking. I scramble to get them off the pan and onto a serving plate. I pay closer attention to the bacon. Does she like it crispy or soft? Why do I care? I make both just in case.
I put the bacon next to the eggs and wait on the toast.
I don’t hear her come into the kitchen, I feel her presence right behind me.
She wraps her arms around my waist and digs her nose into my neck. “You smell delicious.”
I drop the butter knife I was holding and close my eyes, solely focusing on her hands and lips. Every kiss sends a pulse straight to my core. I feel her everywhere. Every inch of her body engulfs me in flames. I’ve never felt anything like this before. It feels amazing.
“Be honest with me Annie, is there someone else?” She grazes her teeth in between my neck and shoulder.
“I-“
There’s a knock on my door and I pull away from her grasp with some reluctance and relief.
I open it without checking who it is, and breathe in the stale air of the hallway.
“Annie?” Bobbie’s smile is wiped away when he takes a look at my face. “What’s wrong?”
Bobbie doesn’t look like my baby brother anymore. Sure, his face is still somewhat round but he no longer wears glasses and his acne is gone. His brown hair is short on the sides and curling slightly up top. He’s wearing his college sweater and some sweats. Are his socks mismatched? He has the whole college student look going for him.
I move aside to let him in. “Nothing. I just wasn’t expecting you.”
It takes all of two seconds to catch Quin leaning against my kitchen counter with a piece of bacon in her hands. So, she prefers crispy bacon. Same.
“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” His eyes wander up Quin’s incredibly long legs, his blood rushing up his face at the same speed.
I slap the back of his head. “This is my coworker Quin, she crashed here last night after she wasn’t able to drive home.”
Quin reaches her hand out and gives him a friendly smile. Her hair is up in a messy bun and she looks adorable. There is no running mascara or dark circles under her eyes. I’m mostly captivated by the glossy residue of the bacon on her lips.
“Hi, I’m Annie’s brother, Bobbie.” He shakes her hand and averts his eyes from her legs. “I wanted to surprise you this morning since a couple buddies of mine were coming up this way.”
I look at him in amazement. That’s a first. Bobbie and I have a regular brother and sister relationship but not like we depend on each other a lot. I always offer my assistance but he usually has everything figured out. If I am goal-oriented, Bobbie is the sensei of adulting. He’s been the more mature one since we were young.
“Nice to meet you. I was actually just heading out.” Quin scoots by us to grab her boots.
“Already?” There is a hint of desperation in my voice and she stops in her tracks to look at me. “I mean, don’t you want to eat first?”
She winks at me and shakes her head. “I have overstayed my welcome. But thank you so much for letting me crash here.” She zips one boot after the other and just like my brother my eyes fall to her exposed skin. “I will see you at work.”
I walk her to the door after she shakes my brother’s hand.
“Thank you for everything. And I’m sorry for overstepping boundaries. I just really wanted to see you last night. That doesn’t excuse my behavior.” She manages to look embarrassed.
“Just, don’t ever drive drunk.” I bite my lip. I want to say more. I want to put her mind at ease and let her know I’m not seeing anyone.
“I didn’t and I won’t.”
I lean against my door to look up at her.
“There is someone else, isn’t there?” Her smile is sad.
My heart flutters. Does she look hurt? What am I doing?
“Otherwise, you just don’t like me. I mean how many times do I have to make a move before taking a hint?” She taps her fingers against her thigh and sighs. “I’ve been told I come off strong. But don’t worry, I have finally heard you loud and clear.” She turns away and walks down the steps.
This morning wasn’t supposed to go like this. I was supposed to come clean and finally kiss her the way I have been wanting to. But I don’t deserve it. I don’t. She is aware of her feelings, always has been. She knows what she wants, deep down she listens to the little voice in her head and in her heart. I don’t have enough conviction, enough passion. I am not enough. She is too much. And who would ever date their co-worker anyway? Imagine it all goes horribly wrong? Somehow I can’t imagine that. Not with her.
The door handle slips from my fingers and it slams shut. I lean against it.
I dig the heels of my palm into my eyes, trying to push the tears back. I wait until I can catch my breath before walking to the kitchen.
“That was interesting.” Bobbie has his plate full and digs in.
“In all seriousness, what are you doing here?” I grab a plate and sit next to him. I can’t hide the pain as well as I want. It hurts. I hurt her. And I let her leave. But that is what I wanted right? To have her leave me alone so I can go back to being by myself? Being stress free, drama free. Free. Has it always been this suffocating?
“Did you just sniffle?” He drops his bacon. Unlike me, Bobbie has big blue eyes he inherited from our grandfather on my mom’s side. He assesses me with caution.
I shake my head and take a big gulp of water. Oh shit, this really hurts.
“Annie, you can talk to me. It’s okay, you know? To feel.” He pushes his dish to the side and hugs me.
I cry without wanting to. It starts with the long breaks in between my breathing and ends with tears streaming down my face. It is a silent cry that speaks volumes. We are not huggers. We don’t do that. Why is he doing that? Can’t he see it is only making it worse? I hold on tighter.
“Did she say something to upset you?” He rubs my back.
I shake my head. I’m the mean one. This whole time I have been pushing her further and further away and now that she is willing to leave me…it is tearing me up inside.
“Annie, you have to talk about it.” He sighs. “It’s not normal, or better yet, it’s not good to hold it in.”
I pull away and use my shirt to wipe my face. I can’t help the hiccups that ensue from my tears. “I-” I clear my throat. “She-” The words don’t make it out.
“I blame them.” He looks at me in distress. “It wasn’t until my first year of college that I realized we were raised all wrong.”
I control my breathing. “Don’t say that.” I hiccup again. “They did the best that they could.”
He bows his head. “They tried to raise us like robots. We have feelings too.” His eyes turn bright. “I hate seeing you like this, Annie. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
I wrap my arms around myself. “Nothing.” Once the feelings have staked their claim on my heart, I allow them to sit there and avoid causing anymore disturbance. I don’t move a muscle, hoping to calm the waves within. That is how I have done it in the past and that is how I am going to do it now.
“You really need to talk to someone. Letting your feelings out doesn’t make you weak. Owning them makes you strong.”
I nod at his words. “You’ve always been so wise.”
He smirks. “College will do that to you.”
I drink some more water and pick on the food on my plate.
We sit in silence. He’s probably thinking about the same thing I am. Did our parents fail us? We never went hungry, sure we struggled sometimes but nothing traumatizing. If our power went out, we bundled up. If all we could eat were crackers for dinner, we did it. At the end of the day, we stuck together and our parents looked out for our best interest. They raised us with morals and invested in our education. They did more than their parents did for them. They had to choose to be there emotionally or financially for us. I’m sure I would choose the same if I had children of my own. Wouldn’t I?
But right now, I do not have to choose between one or the other. I can provide for myself and I am old enough to make my own decisions. If I want to focus on my emotions, who is going to stop me? My heart twists in pain at the thought of not seeing Quin again. Do I want this? It is scary to think of the power she holds over me.
“I think I like her.” I avoid looking at him. I say it out loud for myself and to show him that there is nothing wrong with us. For the most part. We are doing that best that we can. I am going to try to do the best that I can.
“She’s hot.” He states the obvious.
I narrow my eyes on him.
“So, why are you crying?” He points to my face, which is probably blotched.
“I ruined it. She’s too good for me.” I stop pretending to eat.
“That’s not true and you know it. Annie, you’re the best big sister I could have asked for. Even when our parents raised us with barely any love between the two of us, you showed me there are other ways to show you love someone. You always gave me your food even if you were starving. You stuck up for me when anyone tried to pick on me. You would tell me bedtime stories when mom had to work late.”
My eyes get wide. I do love Bobbie and I never wanted to fail him but I didn’t know he was able to see that. Things got better when we got older and our dad got a raise. “You remember all of that?”
He nods. “I know it was rough growing up but I didn’t notice a difference. And it got better once we got older.”
My eyes get watery again. I don’t want him to remember the bad parts.
“Now, I don’t know what is going on between you two but you need to get your shit together if you’re going to try anything with her.” He gets this look in his eyes that I have seen before. He’s trying to solve this complex problem with the most efficient solution. I am his math problem. Figures. “First things first, you have to think better of yourself. Think about all of the things you are bringing to the table.”
I sit there silently waiting for him to continue. He looks at me expectantly.
I smirk. “I am self-sufficient, independent.”
“You are caring and dependable.” He corrects me.
“I have a good work ethic.” I sniffle.
“You are willing to make the relationship work even when times get tough.”
My heart grows tender. “I love you.” I give him a wobbly smile.
He messes my hair up. “I know. Just like you know I love you too.”
******
Sage is in Quin’s cubicle on Monday morning.
I pretend to be heading to Pen’s desk but look back at her as I pass by. She gives me a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. Have her eyes always been so cold?
“Well, hi there!” Pen gives me a quick hug. She knows how much I dislike them so she makes them short. Her hugs I don’t mind. I don’t hate Quin’s hugs, that’s for sure.
I hide behind her wall and peek outside of her door to look at Sage. She’s leaning over Quin’s desk, they’re both pointing at something on her screen. She is standing very close.
“What are we looking at?” Pen is leaning over me to follow my life of sight. Her short hair tickles my forehead.
“What is Sage doing at Quin’s desk so early in the morning?” I don’t beat around the bush. Pen will be caught up soon enough and I can’t waste any more time.
After the eventful weekend with Quin and my brother, I decided I needed to do as he said and get my shit together. He worked with me all weekend, going over affirmations, reminding me that I am worthy of being happy, not just complacent. No one else could have gotten through to me the way he did. No one understood what it was like growing up void of feelings.
“She tries to do this a couple of times a week, probably to get closer to Quin.” Pen whispers.
Ugh, so I do have a rival. “What happened Saturday night?” I hope she knows what I am referring to.
“Quin bailed pretty early on. Sage stayed and kept drinking. I think she was bothered by it.”
I hate the smile that takes over my face. That doesn’t mean anything. That was before Quin thought I had a significant other.
“Ladies, can I help you?” Pen’s manager, Johnnie, stands in front of us.
We both jump back and I straighten my shirt. “Sorry, I thought I lost my notebook here. Thanks for helping me look, Pen.” I rush out of her cubicle, but not before almost running into Quin who was leaving her desk.
My face turns bright as I hold on to her arms for support. My heart tumbles at her feet.
She looks down at me with reserved concern. Her eyes are darker today. She looks tired. I want to ask her if she has gotten enough sleep.
“Oh, are you okay Annie?” Sage pulls me up right and away from Quin. I don’t miss the side step to get in between us.
I shift away from both of them and nod. “Just had to get something from Pen. Bye.” I rush out of there with as much dignity as I can muster.
******
“You have to do it!” Pen shoves me further down the steps.
“I don’t think that is a good idea.” I bite my lip.
It is Wednesday morning and I have made zero progress.
Pen is now up to date on my new goal: Getting Quin to ask me out one last time or get enough courage to take the first step myself. I don’t know if I can make it happen, but I will try my hardest. Every time I have tried to get some alone time with Quin, Sage has popped into the picture. By that time, I have already lost my guts. Even with Pen’s help it has been nearly impossible to manage more than a single greeting whenever I am around Quin. I always trip up on my own thoughts and she’s not as chatty as she used to be. She has also started coming in later and leaving earlier, which makes it hard to catch her in the parking lot. How did she manage to make it look so easy in the past? She seemed to catch me at the best time when I was in the parking lot.
“You just make it look real. I’ll handle the rest.” Pen looks around to make sure the coast is clear. She sticks out like a sore thumb with her red suit but I let her pretend she is blending in. Sage is off today and right now Quin is taking her restroom break. According to Pen, I just have to pretend to trip and have Quin catch me so that we can look into each other’s eyes and fall in love. Sounds far-fetched, but I am becoming desperate. I haven’t gotten to talk to her much since she left my apartment. I need to clear the air.
We walk further down the hall and the restroom door opens. I yelp when I feel Pen’s hand come up behind me and give me a shove. I fall, harder than I intended, into someone’s arms but they feel too soft. Definitely not what I was expecting. They also fail to catch me and I fall, twisting my ankle on the way. Landing on my face.
“Annie!” Cristy’s shrill voice fills the halls.
“Shit!” Pen rushes to my side and gives me an apologetic look.
“Ouch.” I turn and sit up, glaring at her.
Quin comes out of the restroom in a hurry and her eyes go wide when she sees me on the floor.
“Anne.” She rushes down and looks at me without blinking. “Are you okay?”
I nod and use her extended hand to get up. My ankle gives out and I practically fall against her chest. I grind my teeth against the throbbing pain and use her arms as support.
“Here.” She picks me up and carries me to my chair. Being in her arms feels familiar.
Everyone surrounds my office space and my face turns as red as a tomato.
“Okay people!” Pen starts to push people out. “Let’s give her some room to breathe.” She gives me a wink and a thumbs up before leaving.
Quin is sitting on the other chair, with my foot on her lap. She removes my heel and lightly touches my ankle.
“Ow.” I squeak.
She winces and sighs. “We might have to go to the doctors to get it checked.”
My heart flutters at the mention of ‘we’.
“I’m fine, I just need to give myself some time to get over the initial pain.” I remove my foot from her thigh.
Her eyes turn dark. “Do you always say you’re fine, even when you’re not?”
I blush and avoid looking at her. Why did I decide to listen to Pen? Now I really did hurt myself and I might have to be excused from work. If the plan was to put more space and time between Quin and me, we succeeded.
“Here.” She hands me back my shoe. She gets up and I try to do the same but she pushes me down firmly. Her hand on my shoulder feels scorching hot. “Stay off your foot.” She motions to leave but I pull her hand to stop her.
She turns to look down at my hand in hers and I pull away instinctively.
“I’ll take your offer, if you still want to take me to the doctors.”
She doesn’t bother looking at me. “I’ll let Pen know to give you a ride.”
******
“I’m so sorry.” Pen hits her forehead against her steering wheel.
“I should have known better.” I can’t completely blame her. I’m the one who went along with it. “Let’s just go get my car so I can drive home.”
According to the doctor it was a light sprain and I should be good within the next couple of days. I just have to avoid putting a lot of pressure on it. Considering a lot of my work can be done sitting, that should be no problem. It’s also not like I will visit Quin’s desk every morning. I’m no Sage.
“So, operation damsel failed. Time for plan B.” She pats my thigh in encouragement.
“Um.” I want to groan but I don’t want to be left to my own devices with Quin. I need Pen’s help. Especially now that I am a leg behind.
“This Friday I am going to invite Quin over to my place for a movie night.”
I scowl. “Great, now you’re after her too?”
She giggles. “As if, that girl scares me. No, scare is putting it lightly, I think the word I’m looking for is intimidates.”
I give her a sideways look. “Who, Quin?”
She nods.
I picture Quin leaning her head against my neck, kissing me. My cheeks heat up. Not intimidating. Just…intense. But in a good way.
“Sure, she is friendly. I mean, she is much friendlier than you and loves to help out but she is also very driven. Nothing can get in her way when she wants something, you know?”
I look out the window. I do know. The clouds are coming in, this day is going to end bleak. In more ways than one.
“Anyways, back to my plan. I invite her over. You decide to drop by unexpectedly and then I’ll pretend to get sick or something. That will be your chance to get her to take you home.” She smiles brightly.
I begin to poke holes in her stories. Unlike our last plan, I need to make sure this one is sound proof. I start to fire off questions. What if Quin is drunk? Then I get to drive her home. What if she leaves as soon as I get there? I chase her. What if she doesn’t show up? Trust her, she will.
We pull into the nearly empty garage. Pen gasps.
Quin is leaning against her car staring down at her phone. As soon as she hears Pen’s car she looks up and makes eye contact with me. The air pushes out from my lungs.
She hops in her car and leaves before Pen can even park.
******
I crack my knuckles with one hand before knocking on Pen’s door.
She lives in the fancier part of town. With her salary and taste for a lavish lifestyle, it suits her. I focus on the dark green door. The lights in the hall are not as bright or as harsh as mine. The walls are a deep red and there are plants in each corner. She has her apartment all the way at the end of the hall. Where I am standing now, waiting for her to answer the door. I think of Quin, the only person who my brain doesn’t mind constantly wondering about.
I haven’t seen her since Wednesday afternoon. She is much better at avoiding me than I ever was. While in the past there were times that she would conveniently run into me, now I don’t even get a glimpse of her. It is as irritating as it is thrilling. Now it’s the moment of truth. I tug on my gray sweater and straighten my shirt. I decided on a laid-back look to make it seem like a genuine drop by. If I was too dressed up, Quin would catch on. And I can’t have that.
Quin opens the door. Her eyes light up for just a millisecond and then she remembers who I am and the spark disappears. That stings. A lot. But I don’t blame her. We stand there staring at each other for what feels like an eternity. Her hair is up in a messy bun, her bangs are swept to the side. She’s wearing a cute maxi dress that would look casual on anyone else but looks beautiful on her.
My mouth is dry and I can’t speak. I try to make a move to get by her but she blocks the entrance with her hand. I don’t move back, slowly looking up at her from under my lashes. I want to move closer. Kissing a friend hello is normal right? Aren’t there cultures that kiss on the mouth even? Can’t there be?
“Hi, Anne.” Her smoldering look calls to my hidden wants and needs. It’s unnerving.
I clear my throat. “Can I come in?” I can feel my face and neck flush red.
She hesitates but drops her arm.
I round the corner, opting not to remove my shoes in case I need to sprint out of here. Pen’s place is pretty much the same as before. Except now she has yellow plush pillows on her white couch and aqua candles on her glass coffee table. Straight out of a good home magazine. The view from up here is breathtaking, but I am breathless for other obvious reasons. I hear Sage before I see her. I can’t hide the look of disbelief on my face when she rounds the corner.
“Annie?” She doesn’t sound pleased.
“Shit.” I hear Pen say from the kitchen. Her tiny footsteps get closer and she rushes up to give me a hug.
“Annie! Hi! What brings you here?” She pulls me towards the kitchen and whispers in my ear. “Sage just showed up, I was about to text you.” We move to the open kitchen with a long white marble island. There are elegant, black bar stools lined up against the island and hanging ceiling lights. They match the dark wood floors and black painted cabinets. The accent brick wall near Pen’s front door blocks Quin and Sage from our view.
I quickly nod and pretend this is all part of the plan. The plan that I shot with a machine gun to make sure we had every possible outcome accounted for and that Pen swore she had a solution for. I should have bombed it. Why didn’t I think outside of the box? What am I doing here? I really feel like an uninvited guest.
Pen elbows me to say something.
“Uh-yeah.” I clear my throat. “I was just in the neighborhood and thought I would drop by.” Pen looks at me to evaluate the damage.
I’m not crying, so that’s good. My hands are slightly shaking but I can work with that.
She hands me some wine and I drink it all in two gulps.
“Whoa.” Quin says behind me.
“Careful, Annie. Wine can really sneak up on you!” Sage giggles and tosses her blonde hair to the side. “I was just telling the girls how I was at a pregame before coming here, so I’m already a little tipsy.” She stumbles next to Quin, who doesn’t fail to catch her.
They look at each other for a second too long.
I shove my glass into Pen’s empty hands. This is going to be a brutal night. “I need another.”
“Are you sure?” Pen is apologetic but can’t argue with me. What would she do in this situation? Probably use her curves and awesome personality to get who she wants. Even in her simple shorts and t-shirt she looks like she walked straight out of a summer catalogue.
“Please and thank you.” I take the bar stool next to Quin and pull it around to the other side of the island, next to the sink. I would take it across the street and sit there but Pen probably wouldn’t want her expensive furniture out there.
“Are you driving home tonight?” Quin watches Pen hand me another glass filled halfway through.
I take another healthy gulp of the wine and try to control my face. It tastes disgusting. Dry and not sweet at all. It burns. I like it.
Sage leans into Quin’s arm against the table. They do make an attractive couple. Sage with her cute black dress, and very revealing neckline, Quin with her dark looks and striking features. Who am I to stand in their way? What am I doing?
“Oh, shoot. I would give you a ride but I forgot my car is in the shop for the weekend.” Pen leans against the counter and tries to act casually. “Maybe Quin can give you a ride home? She said she’s not drinking tonight.”
“Actually, Quin and I were going to head back to my place after this and I think Annie’s place is on the opposite side of town.” Sage pouts, adorably. It is hard to imagine any human being immune to her charms. And yet, here I am.
Pen and I snap our necks to look at Quin for confirmation.
“I think I will take you up on that drink offer.” Quin gets up from her seat and walks to the fridge. “Do you have something stronger than beer and wine?”
Pen gets up and shows Quin her liquor cabinet.
Sage looks down at her phone and pretends I don’t exist.
I take a sip of my wine. I can be the bigger person. I should be. Next to someone like Sage I don’t think that is a big feat. “How is work going, Sage?”
She doesn’t look up from her phone. “Busy.”
We sit in silence for a while. I look over at Quin and Pen who seem to be having a private conversation.
“So, how are you planning on getting home?” She finally puts her phone down to look at me.
I bite my lip. Has she always been this rude? Or is it all in my head? The only reason I would act like that is if I was jealous or something. But even now, me being jealous of Sage is not changing the way I act towards her. I am at least trying to be mature and civil. In the end, it doesn’t matter how Sage feels or how she treats me, I will just kill her with kindness.
“I was going to get a taxi or something. I didn’t expect Quin to take me home.” Not really.
“I think we might leave soon. We just dropped by for one drink.” Her gloss-covered lips curve in a knowing smile.
“And you’re going back to your place?” I reiterate just to twist the knife a little more on myself. In case I still want to somehow go through with this. Yup? I’m still sitting here. Okay.
She nods, clearly loving the upper-hand she has.
If only she knew Quin has also been to my house. We have slept together. She has kissed me.
“Time to get this party started!” Pen brings over two bottles, one white and one brown.
I point to my glass. “Actually, I think this is my last drink.”
Pen takes the glass away and puts 2 shot glasses in front of me. “Just two shots and I promise I will leave you alone.”
I shake my head. The first glass of wine is settling in and making itself at home. I only had a grilled cheese sandwich earlier. I don’t think it’s enough to hold me over. I assumed Pen would have food but all I see is charcuterie board. Not my cup of tea. Where is the food?
“Come on, Anne. Two shots.” Quin leans next to me and pours white liquor into the two shot glasses. Well now I don’t have a choice. She pushes them my way. I ignore the delicious scent coming from her.
“Let’s make it interesting!” Pen claps her hands and then pours the rest of the shots.
Quin goes back to her seat across from mine and Sage moves closer to her.
Pen sits next to me and rubs her hands together. “We will play one round of never have I ever. That way we can each take at least one shot. Does everyone know how to play?”
We all nod.
“Since I am the host, I will get to choose who goes first!” She points at each of us and then goes back to Quin. “I choose you.”
Quin holds her dark shot glass in one hand. “Okay. Give me a second.”
I stare at her for as long as I can help it. It is her turn. She is the one speaking. So, this isn’t weird. Maybe I should blink though. Be more natural about it. Her cheeks have been flushed since I came in. She’s glowing. No one would ever accuse Quin of being average looking. But in my eyes, there is a special spotlight that never goes away from her.
“Never have I ever spent a whole night in a library.” She gives me a pointed look.
I take a shot without thinking about it. Then it hits me. “Wait.” I look around at everyone’s glasses still full. “How did you know I did that?” I would spend hours at my campus’ library all four years. It was open 24/7, which made it very convenient. If I wasn’t studying, I was reading or on the computer. It was my favorite spot.
“Lucky guess.” She gives me a half smile.
I blush.
“Okay, me next!” Sage jumps up from her seat, too eagerly. “Never have I ever been interested in technology.” She wrinkles her nose at the word.
I shoot my second shot and breathe out of my mouth. At least I am done now. No more painful shots. Shit, that burned. Hold it in. Shit, it is trying to come back. I panic. Hold it. I breathe out. I smile when I feel it travel down to my stomach.
“Okay, my turn!” Pen offers me a shot glass but I shake my head. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself. “Never have I ever kissed anyone in this room.”
The silence is deafening.
My face goes blank and I look anywhere but at Quin.
She drinks her shot in one gulp.
To my horror Sage takes her shot as well.
No one says anything.
“I think I’m going to be sick.” I get up from my seat and rush to the bathroom.
******
I’m there for at least half an hour.
The whole time I am looking down at my phone. I’m officially drunk and I can’t call a cab. The words are blurry, I don’t understand any of it. I can’t do anything. But I need to get out of here. I don’t belong here. Why did I ever think this was a good idea? Sage is the one Quin should be with, not me. Especially if they have shared kisses.
Now I really feel sick but I can’t throw up. I look up at the ceiling. Is it because I am a lesbian? God am I on your shit list? I put up a hand as if I am really talking to him. “Don’t answer that.”
“Anne?” Quin knocks on the door. “Are you okay?”
“Like you care.” I mumble to myself.
The doorknob jiggles but she doesn’t come in.
“Unlock the door.” She orders.
I mock her tone and sit against the tub. I hate it here.
“Maybe we should leave.” I hear Sage, as she offers her words of wisdom. Some would even call her a sage person. Barf.
I laugh at my stupid joke and then start to cry out of self-pity.
The door unlocks and I hide my head in my hands. I hear the door close and sigh.
“Hey.” Quin leans down in front of me and moves my hands aside. “What’s wrong?”
I pout and feel my bottom lip quivering. “I made a really bad joke.” The tears continue to fall down my cheeks.
Her hands frame my face and she wipes my tears away with her thumbs. “Oh, that’s okay. You’re too pretty to be funny anyways.” She pushes my hair behind my ears.
I hiccup and cry with more enthusiasm. “I’m not-” Oh, I hate how she makes me feel.
I allow myself to take one look at her and regret it. She has a tender smile on her lips. Her eyes are that sweet brown hue that I love. Like rich hot chocolate with golden flakes. Almost as sweet as she is. My eyes fall to her lips. She is the sweetest.
“Don’t look at me like that.” Her voice breaks.
“Why?” I sniffle.
“It makes me feel…special.” She sounds insecure.
I look up at her. “You are special. You’re Quin.” It is as simple as that.
She swallows hard.
“Quin!” Sage knocks on the door. “We should really leave. I think it’s raining outside and it’s only going to get worse.”
I hear the faint pitter patters on the ceiling.
I get up and move past her.
******
I dig myself further into my blanket.
No reason to get up today. Not like I have anything to live for. I allow myself more time to be overly dramatic and feel sorry for myself. It is Sunday. Tomorrow I have to face the two love birds. They have kissed. They went home together after Pen’s place and probably had hot, freaky sex. I groan. I will just die alone. Might as well get used to it. I turn over.
******
Pen spends most of her lunch break giving me the play by play of what happened Friday night. As if I didn’t have a front row seat. As if I haven’t run those memories to the ground this weekend.
She picks a crumb from her orange blouse. It brings out the fire in her hair. “So, what do we do now?”
I push my salad around. “I am moving on with my life.”
“What?” She snatches my fork out of my hand when I don’t acknowledge her outburst.
“May I please have my fork back?” I don’t have the energy for this today. Definitely not to come up with stupid plans that will lead me nowhere. It is all a waste of time.
“What happened in the bathroom should tell you everything you need to know.” She gives me my fork back. “You make her feel special.”
“So does Sage. That’s why they kissed.” No case of sour grapes around here. Just a big slice of humble pie.
“The verdict is still out on that one.” Pen swirls her fork in the air. “Why would Sage wait until after Quin took her shot to drink? Do you really think if they had kissed, she wouldn’t jump at the first chance to rub it in your face?”
I groan. “I am tired of thinking about this. It is all so exhausting.”
“All I am saying is that you need to give it one last try before throwing in the towel.” We stare at the people walking across the street, enjoying their day off. Lucky them. The sun is hiding behind small clouds scattered across the sky. I wonder what Quin is up to.
“What is your plan?” I know I will regret it but I might regret not doing anything else more.
******
“Do you like to hike?” My voice doesn’t sound natural. At all.
It is shaking and sounds out of breath. It sounds really small in the garage. Can she notice that? I’m breathing like a tiny cornered mouse.
Quin takes her keys out of her bag and walks slowly to her car. I waited until she walked out of the building to pretend to also be walking towards my car. She really makes stalking look super easy and natural. I haven’t quite mastered it yet.
“I can endure a workout for a good view.” She opens her car door and gives me a look.
My heart does a summersault.
“I’m going hiking this weekend if you don’t have anything planned…” So, that didn’t come out like I thought it would. It’s not even a question.
She purses her lips. “I actually have plans.”
I nod my head like a lunatic and swipe my hand in front of me, as if that erases the question between us. “That’s cool. Okay bye.”
I turn towards my car to hide my embarrassment. There, I tried. It didn’t work and that is okay.
“Would you like to join me?” She casually throws it out there.
It is hard to look back at her. “What plans?” If it has anything to do with Sage, I’m out.
“It’s my little brother’s birthday. Birthdays are a big deal for us and we always celebrate together.”
My eyes go wide. Her family? She wants me to go to her brother’s birthday party? It all feels like it’s going 100 miles per hour. I wanted to do something laid back with no expectations. Meeting the family is pressure city. Will they like me? What if she realizes it was a mistake to invite me? My thoughts must be clear as day because she speaks up.
“It will just be my two younger sisters, and baby brother.” She clarifies.
Just the siblings? That shouldn’t be too hard. That’s better. I think I can do that. “Sure, sounds fun.” I smile and wave goodbye before getting in my car.
She waves her hand in the air, calling my attention. I put my window down.
“Is it cool if I text you the details? Pen gave me everyone’s phone number my first week here.”
I nod. “Yeah, cool.” I’m so not cool.
******
I pull up to an arcade style of restaurant, clearly for the younger crowd.
I clutch onto the dark blue gift bag with a football inside. I should have asked her what her brother is into. She said no gifts but I couldn’t show up empty handed. And now here I am with a football that will probably never get touched. I should have gone with a video game. The guy at the store was right. I cross the street after looking both ways. There is a group of teenagers outside of the doors watching one of their friends do a skateboard trick. It feels like forever since I was a teenager. I briefly look at my reflection on the glass doors before going in. At least I am in jeans. I almost wore a dress. I have to remember this is not a date. This is…I don’t know yet, but I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough.
I look around the room until I spot Quin. There are old arcade gaming systems along the walls, the smell of teen anxiety and stale fries shift through the air as the door closes behind me. Everyone is in little groups either playing games or huddled around watching others play. There are more boys than girls but it seems inclusive enough. She is standing over her brother and I assume her sisters, a set of twins, who are looking up at her with amusement. She’s doing a lot of motions with her hands and they laugh when she gets to the punch line. She must feel me watching her because she looks up and smiles brightly. My heart trips over itself. I’m already walking over by the time she waves at me.
She’s also wearing jeans and black t-shirt with some sneakers. Her hair is up in a messy bun, her bangs curled to stay away from her eyes.
“Hi, Anne.” She leans over and kisses my cheek, completely catching me off guard.
I automatically tense and allow our cheeks to brush. The electricity between us is mesmerizing. I can almost taste it.
“Guys, this is Anne. Anne, this is Kendall, Cassy, and the birthday boy, Robert.”
The twins look identical in their facial structure but polar opposite in styles. One, Kendall, is wearing pink and white clothing with a cute bow in her hair. The other, Cassy, is wearing different variations of black with a lot of eyeliner. They look like junior or seniors in high school. Robert is a regular teenage boy with a graphic tee and worn-out jeans. He is probably in his freshman year of high school.
I hand him his gift. “Happy birthday, Robert. My younger brother’s name is Robert too. But we call him Bobbie.” I wave at the younger girls and they smile back.
“Maybe we should call you Bobbie.” Kendall makes a face at her brother.
He gives her a sarcastic laugh but otherwise ignores her. “Thank you.” He motions to the gift bag.
“The receipt is in there. In case you don’t think you’ll use it.” I go around the table and sit next to Quin. She takes her seat as well and pulls out a bag full of quarters.
“This should last for a good hour if you guys play it right.” She grabs small containers and starts diving up the quarters into four different piles.
She gives her siblings a small cup each filled with quarters and they move as a group towards their first game.
“And this,” She shakes her cup, “Is ours.” She leans in closer to me and smiles. “Are you competitive?”
I shake my head, not trusting my voice.
“We’ll see about that.” She grabs my hand and off we go.
******
Quin is right, we all get enough quarters to last about an hour and a half.
Turns out I am competitive when it comes to showing off in front of Quin. At first, I watch and observe how the game should be played or I get distracted by watching how much fun she’s having but then I get completely focused and put my tech skills to work. I may be clumsy, but I know there are certain things that I am naturally good at. She seems impressed and I do a little dance inside when I get some wins. Her siblings tag along halfway through and start to choose sides as to who they think will win. Her brother sides with her a lot of the time and the twins switch back and forth between us depending on the game. They know what Quin is good at and what I might have a chance in.
She holds the last four quarters in her hands.
“Let’s make this last one interesting.” She gets closer to me. I force myself not to move back.
Her siblings are back at the table finishing off the last slices of pizza. They already turned in their tickets to get prizes.
“I’m listening.” Or at least trying to. Looking up at her flushed face makes it really hard to focus. Being next to her during these games has me on a runner’s high. We don’t talk much but I can feel the tension. I want to kiss her.