Chapter 17 – Sam
Rose joined us three days later. She was a day late while trying to find someone take care of her house while she was gone. It would be difficult to describe the happiness in Natalie when the car pulled up. Her whole face glowed, and I enjoyed the forceful kiss she gave me before running out to meet Rose.
“I think I’m done with driving,” Rose said sternly as she climbed out of the driver’s seat. She moved like someone older, lacking confidence in her physical abilities. Her words and eyes were as sharp as ever, but I could see her body was less so. Natalie ignored it and smothered her with a hug. Rose smiled at me over Natalie’s shoulder. All her blustering about not wanting to be seen as weak had faded away. I knew she was exactly where she needed to be. Exactly where Natalie and I wanted her to be. Teegan gave a yelp in my arms, reaching out to Rose. Her private welcome.
“I’m glad you came, Rose,” I said, smiling as I struggled to keep Teegan from jumping out of my arms. Rose separated from Natalie and enclosed my head in her hands.
“I’m glad I’m here,” Rose said, then kissed my cheek. She then repeated the process with Teegan, who sent out a blast of pure joy. I saw Natalie bite back a laugh at the emotion. We shared a very pleasant look, knowing that the bond was growing stronger in both of us. It should have scared us. Instead, it seemed natural and was comforting.
“Oh!” Rose said, “she missed me.” Her hands were still cradling Teegan’s face. I saw Rose’s face flush a moment later, and her hands dropped quickly to her sides. “And you two have gotten a lot closer,” she said quietly. Her grin told me it was expected and not a bad thing in her mind.
“We have,” Natalie admitted, taking Rose’s hand, “very close.”
“Good,” Rose said nodding her head, “that means Teegan has a family. Every child needs a strong family.” Memories of my drunken mother invaded. I cast them away and replaced them with Rose’s confidence. There was no reason I needed to repeat the past. Natalie’s strength would never allow it. I would never allow it.
I handed Teegan off to Natalie and gathered Rose’s luggage. Rose was home, and by the way she was slowly walking, her last home. She never wanted Natalie, or me for that matter, to see her deteriorate. I smiled and promised myself I would remember her as I first saw her, vibrant and the smartest woman I had ever met. The disease will do what it will, but it would never infect my memories.
Rose was a skilled taskmaster. The course I signed up for, college algebra, was designed to be taken at your own pace. It was a lie. It was taken at Rose’s pace. I have to admit, I started the course thinking I was a complete scholastic idiot. There was little I remembered from high school math, and I let the frustration grow. Rose refused to let me falter and even used guilt to drive me harder. She always smiled when she laid it on thicker than motor oil.
Natalie, bless her sexy heart, would whisper things in my ear to keep me motivated. Rose’s guilt, Natalie’s promises, and the need to be strong for Teegan all merged into the motivation I needed to gain the necessary confidence. I was three-quarters through the course when I realized that Rose wasn’t on my case anymore. I found I missed it, so I slacked just to hear her softly remind me of my duties.
It was childish of me to desire the attention. My upbringing was so starved of it; I found I craved it from Rose. Somewhere along the line, she recognized my need. She replaced her now unneeded badgering with leaning over my shoulder and verbally acknowledging what I was doing. For the first time in my life, I was the teacher’s pet. It didn’t matter to me that I was her only student. For the first time in my life, I felt not stupid.
We were snowed in the day I received my first complete grade. A link to my report card came in my email. I stared at it for a good while before I clicked. I knew what it had to be, the results from the tests and homework only pointed to one grade. The final had felt so incredibly easy. Still, I was nervous and refused to let anyone know it had arrived.
I clicked. The report card for Samual Williams appeared on the screen. I had assumed Natalie’s surname to hide my identity. Right next to College Algebra 1, was the most beautiful ‘A’ a person could ever see. The first ‘A’ I could remember receiving. My whole body felt lighter as the joy lifted me to the clouds. The feeling doubled, then tripled in succeeding waves.
“Whoa!,” Natalie exclaimed and turned from the couch to look at me, “was that for me?” I had projected through Teegan. I looked inside myself as my smile grew. Somehow, I could sense how the feelings flowed. I could feel Teegan and her connection to Natalie. I closed my eyes and concentrated. I sent all the love I could gather.
“That was for me,” Natalie stated as she stood, “don’t you dare stop.” I laughed at the loving look in her eyes. It wasn’t exactly controlled. It was more like a blast that found it’s target simply by exploding everywhere.
“What are you jabbering about?” Rose asked Natalie, lowering the paper she was reading.
“Sam is happy about something,” Natalie said, moving toward me, “so happy I could feel it.” Rose looked on dumbfounded. I pushed my chair back, rose, and encircled Natalie in my arms. Our lips found each other and feelings turned physical. I was suddenly worried Natalie would take me right there, in front of her mother.
Rose coughed in an interrupting manner. Natalie and I broke the embrace and turned toward her.
“I’m a straight A student,” I said proudly, pointing at the laptop screen. It was only one class, but it was an ‘A,’ and I had no grade lower.
“Of course, you are,” Rose said with supreme confidence, “I’m glad the school recognized what you earned.” Her smile was as large as mine. It was hard to think of anything but her praise. I wanted to bask in it. Natalie was squeezing me, feeling my happiness and echoing it back to me. It was an infantile response for a grown man, but it felt too good to stop.
“Now explain to me how Natalie knew it before you told us,” Rose continued. We hadn’t mentioned Teegan projecting yet.
“We’ve begun to feel Teegan without touching her,” Natalie stated, “this time I felt Sam through her.”
“Big emotions,” I said, pulling Natalie closer, “It just happened, and then I could feel the path, and I sent another.”
“Another?” Rose queried. Natalie blushed. I was feeling too good be shy.
“I sent her my love,” I said, “it just exploded outward like a pebble in a pond.” Natalie leaned into me. She liked the waves I made.
“Sam has felt her pain as well,” Natalie added, “when she bangs her head or falls trying to stand, it’s as if he absorbs it.” Rose’s eyes narrowed as she thought on it.
“How is she going to learn?” Rose asked, “Pain is how we learn not to repeat the action that caused it.”
“I’m not sure,” I said, “it’s like she knows it hurts me. She becomes cautious and refrains from causing me further harm.”
“But she’s asleep now,” Ruth argued, “how could she send feelings…or send yours?”
“I don’t think it’s a conscious ability,” I calculated, “it just exists. Maybe we fuel it or maybe it’s instinct, like a heartbeat.”
“And Sam just packaged up some love and sent it to you?” Rose asked. Natalie smiled and nodded. I laughed.
“It’s an all or nothing thing,” I clarified, “I sent her all my love.”
“I don’t want to be around when you two argue,” Rose said. I lost my smile and looked at a concerned Natalie. We hadn’t fought about anything yet. I wondered if I could hold back my anger once it was let loose. I remembered when I wanted to kill the guy who held Natalie by the neck. I could barely control myself then. Natalie looked as worried as I.
“We can’t fight,” we said in unison. I hugged Natalie close. The thought of letting loose with anger directed at her made my stomach turn.
“Was Dr. Gunderson concerned about this…projecting?” Rose asked.
“He seemed more concerned about the nosebleeds,” Natalie admitted. I rolled my eyes at Natalie for breaking it to Rose that way.
Skipping only the parts where Natalie and I were naked, we brought Rose fully up to date. Rose injected questions, and we answered. In the end, we had made her concerned as well.
“I’m worried our 21st-century minds aren’t wired to bond with her,” Rose said when she knew everything we did, “maybe that’s why it manifests physically. Nosebleeds and exhaustion are warnings. I don’t think you should go past that, or even repeat them.”
“We were feeling the same way,” Natalie responded, “emergencies only.”
“Hopefully, you won’t have any more of those,” Rose said.
“Well, no one is going to trudge through this snow to get us today,” I said, trying to lighten the mood, “and I just got the first of many ‘A’s. Drinks are on me.” Rose gave me her laughing agreement. Natalie retrieved some cups as I broke out a bottle of wine. Selfishly, I celebrated my victory with a complete lack of modesty. Lovingly, Rose and Natalie let me.
Bismarck is winter’s playground. If it’s white and cold, Bismarck collected the bulk of it. We had purchased what we thought was adequate clothing for going outside. It wasn’t long before we realized that staying inside, packed like sardines, was a better idea. There were multiple days where leaving would have been hazardous. I felt blessed the power never gave out, and our heater pumped its life preserving warmth without missing a beat. The fireplace helped take the edge off the cold that you felt when you neared a window or door.
My exemplary scholastic endeavors progressed at a prodigious pace. My vocabulary and writing skills increased as well as my knowledge of math. Rose had suggested I take an English course at the same time as algebra II. Rose augmented the teaching with an ease that impressed me. She always seemed to mold the lesson to something easily digestible. In time, I was able to absorb her methods. It was mostly a physical thing. I learned to keep a notepad handy and write out key concepts. The writing acted like glue, fixing the topic in my brain. It was the key I had been missing.
“I wish you would have been my mother,” I said one day to Rose. I was envisioning all that I would have accomplished had she been encouraging me in my youth. Rose smiled softly.
“I have had a rather golden upbringing,” Rose said, “good parents who loved me dearly and a family to back them up when I went awry.” Her eyes went softer, “From what you told me, your mother didn’t have anyone backing her up.” She paused a moment before she continued. “I thank you dearly for the compliment, but had I gone through life alone; a bottle may have been my friend as well.”
“She loves me,” I said, closing eyes as guilt flooded me. I have spent my life blaming my mother when I might as well have blamed the world. She was as weak as life had made her. Before Teegan, I was just as weak. A cycle that would now end with me.
“Most likely, more than you know,” Rose added, “I felt every misstep Natalie made. They felt like my failures though they were nothing but her growing up. In contrast, I also felt her successes as if they were my own.”
“I haven’t given my mother many successes,” I sighed.
“I would love to claim you as my son,” Rose said smiling, “but that privilege belongs to another.”
“I am better for knowing you,” I admitted.
“And I you,” Rose said. When we hugged, I could see a tear in Natalie’s eye. For the first time, I felt something subtle from Teegan. She had been practicing her standing, using the edge of Natalie’s chair as a support. Teegan emanated a sense of wellbeing. It was a delicate but distinguishable emotion. It was almost as if she understood what had transpired. Maybe she was reflecting what I felt; a new understanding. Whatever it was, I don’t think Natalie felt it. It was meant for me alone.
Teegan’s first steps were a monumental experience. She walked from Rose to me, balancing precariously, traversing about five feet with her glorious smile. Natalie clapped, and Teegan’s glee filled us both. It didn’t matter that we knew what trouble we were in, now that she had achieved full mobility.
Rose was getting weaker as Teegan gained strength. I knew it was coming, but I didn’t have to like it. I did my best to ignore the changes, concentrating on engaging her swift mind. Twice, at night, I had to console Natalie as her mother’s deterioration got to her. I let her cry in my arms and tried to remain strong. This would be the second person I have seen die. Only, this time, it was someone I knew and loved.
When spring arrived, Rose insisted I take her for a walk. It was more of a slow stroll with her arm wrapped tightly around mine to steady her steps. We stayed on the road where her footing was surer. It was strange feeling stronger than Rose.
“I wonder if we’ll get any more snow?” Rose said as she looked about. There was still some unmelted snow. Large plowed up drifts coated in an ugly black smoke and some areas in the woods that the sun had trouble penetrating. The air held its winter crispness though the temperature was a much more tolerable 40s.
“I suspect it has happened before,” I replied, “I don’t think it would last long if it did.” Rose agreed, and we walked in silence for a little while.
“I’m selfish,” Rose said, breaking the quiet, “I wanted to spare Natalie what’s to come, and now all I want to do is have her at my side.” She looked up at me with her sharp eyes. The rest of her face looked exhausted, but the eyes could still penetrate deeply.
“Maybe the opposite is selfish,” I said.
“Maybe,” Rose nodded, “maybe not. I just know these lasts months have been happy ones.” She smiled, more to the world than to me, “I really liked your ‘A’s and watching Teegan grow. It lets me know that everything will go on.”
“It’s amazing that she’s walking,” I agreed, “soon she’ll be talking.”
“I need you to promise me something,” Rose injected, “something you may not like.” The real reason she asked me to take a walk. I couldn’t imagine there was much I wouldn’t promise Rose.
“Sure.”
“Teegan’s…gift, or whatever you wish to call it, is growing in you and Natalie,” Rose pointed out.
“Yes,” I admitted, “almost scary in a way.”
“Good, I’m glad you don’t think it’s risk-free,” Rose said and patted my arm with her free hand, “I worry her power will grow as her individuality evolves. That it might grow in ways you are unable to anticipate.”
“I have been thinking about it,” I sighed, “I worry we are losing ourselves to her.” I stopped walking and looked directly at Rose, “I’ve thought that maybe she’s the reason Natalie loves me, that some day it will turn off, and Natalie will see the mistake she’s made.”
“Interesting theory,” Rose said with a sly smile, “so you think my daughter is so dense, she doesn’t know what she’s doing.”
“No!” I said, “it’s not like that.”
“Of course, it isn’t,” Rose continued, “Natalie knows who she loves. I’ll admit that Teegan sped it along and maybe even made it possible, but never think my daughter would give herself to anyone unworthy.”
“I guess I’m still apprehensive,” I said quietly, “women like her never gave me a second look. They just pulled their purses closer and walked away.”
“That’s because they didn’t know what was inside of you,” Rose smiled, “you have to admit, you packaged yourself poorly.” I snickered, remembering my scraggly beard and out of control hair.
“I was kind of sloppy for a while.” Rose nodded and turned me so we could walk some more.
“Back to your promise,” Rose said, “we know the pull that Teegan has. I loved her from the first bond.” She pulled me closer, “and she pulls hardest on you. For some reason, you are her favorite.”
“So,” I said, not fully believing it. I had known her longer; that’s all.
“What if she grows up and becomes something dangerous?” Rose said, slowing her pace to let it sink in.
“I don’t think…”
“If, Sam, what if she does?”
“It is a risk,” I said, “I don’t see it working that way. I’m a little worried about how it works, but I haven’t seen anything that points to danger.”
“She won’t be a child forever,” Rose continued, “what happens if she gains full control. What if she decides she won’t be denied all that she desires. What if she decides she doesn’t want to share you with Natalie.”
“You’re making her sound evil,” I said with some disgust.
“Who would you choose?” Rose asked.
“I don’t want to make that choice,” I insisted. My little Teegan pitting herself against Natalie. It was more than unthinkable; it was sickening.
“Most likely won’t happen,” Rose nodded. We walked slowly as the thoughts Rose put in my head took root. I didn’t have any experience raising kids. I knew they made mistakes. I made more than my share. Teenagers were self-absorbed and quite good at getting their way. The thought of Teegan losing her charm and becoming demanding could be terrifying. How far would I let her go? How far would Teegan go? There were times when I wanted to hit my mother. I never did, but the thought appeared. Teegan’s thoughts held so much more power.
I stopped walking and looked at Rose. Her eyes told me she knew where her words had led my thoughts. A fool she was not.
“I promise,” I said, “I won’t let anyone hurt Natalie…even Teegan.” Rose’s hand caressed my cheek as she smiled.
“You’re a good man,” Rose said softly, “Natalie could do no better.” Blood rushed to my face like an embarrassed schoolboy. Praise from Rose was worth more than gold. It managed to lift me up and make me feel five-years-old at the same time.
“So you think she could be dangerous when she gets older?” I asked.
“Probably not,” Rose replied, shaking her head, “but if she is, she’ll be very dangerous.” Then she smiled and added a chuckle, “daughters wrap their fathers around their fingers. Imagine her asking to borrow the car.”
“It will be tough to say no,” I said, adding my chuckle, “her disappointment may be too much to bear.” Rose turned us around, and we headed back. I could tell she was getting tired.
“That will be the key.” Rose entered teaching mode. Her body may be giving up, but her mind was going strong. “How well you teach her to handle disappointment will dictate the woman she will become. Children learn by watching. If you go off half cocked at every problem, they will as well.”
“Is that how you handled Natalie?” I asked with a smile.
“Oh no.” Rose smiled back. “I only got the love part right in the beginning. I was a complete mess, and Natalie was head strong from day one.” We spent the rest of the walk reliving Natalie’s formidable years. It was Rose’s favorite subject, and I found that if I inserted a few questions, she could happily go on forever. I learned more embarrassing Natalie tidbits I stashed away for future use. Always good to have some table-turning material for the next time I acted like an idiot.
Spring began to give way to summer. The cabin didn’t have any air conditioning, but a large ceiling fan kept the air circulating. According to Betty, who visited every couple of weeks, we wouldn’t see many stifling days, even in the depth of summer.
Betty had joined a veteran’s biker club. They called themselves The Lifers, but most hadn’t pulled more than a one or two tours. They were a support group that traveled to funerals of fallen soldiers and rode in parades. I think we were a happy destination, an excuse for Betty to ride her new motorcycle. It was good to see Betty strong. Teegan had done well with her.
I had continued my studies, taking on courses that weren’t as remedial as when I started. I established a set of study habits that worked for me. For once, school wasn’t impossible. It wasn’t easy, but it was doable, and I had lost my fear of it. I knew I would pay for it in the future, but I teased Natalie about being a straight ‘A’ student. Rose had informed me that Natalie had earned a few ‘B’s in her degree.
“Wait until you get into the 300 and 400 level courses,” Natalie warned me, “then we’ll do some comparisons.” I smiled at the fight in her. It was fun to get her riled up. She would take it out on me in bed in a most satisfying way.
“You speak of the future,” I egged Natalie on. I was keeping an eye on Teegan as she walked around the room. I would have to take her outside in the evening to get her tuckered out. She loved to taste things, be it rocks or branches, so I had to stay close. “Today I am a perfect student, and you’re…a little less than that.”
“Okay, smart guy,” Natalie said, looking up from her work with a smile, “maybe we should make a little bet.” I loved when she became playful. Her confidence in her abilities made her even more attractive. “You get a law degree, and we’ll compare grade point averages when you’re done.” I could see the twinkle in her eye. She knew I had no intention of getting a law degree. “A year of back rubs are on the line.”
“Oh, let him have his victory,” Rose said, looking over her glasses. Rose could barely get of bed anymore. She wasn’t eating as she should, and we could tell she was feeling some pain. She hid it well, but after you live with a person for a while, it becomes obvious when something is wrong. Sympathy would have hurt her more, so we tried to ignore it.
“And I give you back rubs anyway.” I added. I liked the idea that Rose was on my side.
“I see,” Natalie said, nodding her head and getting back to her work, “you’re chickening out.” Teegan ran into me, using my legs to hold herself up. Her smile always brightened any day.
“Da, da, da ,da, da,” Teegan cried out, slapping my leg as she spouted her only syllable.
“Teegan is on my side,” I said, lifting my girl into my lap.
“Teegan is always on your side,” Natalie laughed, “you’ll need more than one toddler to debate me.” I started to laugh, and then the thought of more than one child in the house coalesced in my mind. A little Natalie, or maybe a tiny Sam. I looked in Teegan’s eyes as she bounced on my knee. The thought of more children was not unpleasant.
“How many toddler’s would it take?” I asked. Natalie lost her smile when she saw my face. Unbidden, my love flowed through Teegan and exploded into Natalie. The thought of a larger family grew more pleasing. Natalie stared for a moment, her face flushed from the feelings that flooded into her.
“You are a good father,” Natalie said, her mind trying to analyze the question and all the things that went along with it.
“And you’re a wonderful mother,” I added. My smile had returned. Natalie was considering the idea of children. Our children. I watched her smile grow.
“I’ll get fat,” Natalie warned.
“Fat women are sexy,” I said with a chuckle. A fat woman who was carrying my baby would be very sexy. The last of the old me fled. The new me, the better me, wanted a family and wouldn’t shy from the responsibility that came with it. Teegan began calling out the only sound she knew, almost like a cheerleader. The only one who seemed concerned was Rose.
“Such hasty thinking,” Rose said, giving me a severe look. I remembered our conversation about Teegan a few months back. The fear of her gathering power. I mulled that over and still saw nothing dangerous in her. If anything, Teegan was becoming more endearing. I couldn’t fathom her hurting anyone, including a sibling.
“You don’t want a grandchild?” Natalie asked with surprise.
“No, of course, I do,” Rose countered, “it’s just that you’re in hiding…or Sam and Teegan are. How can you think of another child when you have yet to settle with this one.” It was the first time I caught Rose stretching the truth. For some reason, she had confided her fears with me, but not her daughter. I was having none of it.
“She’s afraid of what Teegan might become,” I informed Natalie. Secrets were a weakness, and I didn’t want it in my family.
“When she’s grown,” Rose hastily added, “we don’t know what will happen when she comes into her own mind. It’s not that I don’t love her…it’s just…I worry about a teenager with hormones raging with the power to change her world.” Rose started coughing, her lungs struggling to discharge something raspy sounding. Natalie moved quickly to her side.
“Sam and I can handle her,” Natalie said softly, “she’s never shown anything but love for us, and for you.” She patted her mother’s back as Rose doubled over in the chair. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see Rose this way. Teegan instinctively curled into my chest, hugging me close.
“I worry about you,” Rose said when her throat cleared, “I won’t be here to protect you or help you keep your sanity.” Natalie smiled and hugged her mother close. When Rose couldn’t see, her expression turned to concern for my benefit.
“Maybe children can wait,” I said, “at least until Teegan is old enough.” Natalie nodded. I don’t think either of us meant it. For Rose’s sake, we would mean it for now. In the back of my mind, Roses concerns were shrinking smaller by the day. I wondered if I was naive, then shook it off as paranoia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cry woke me from a dead sleep. Darkness still ruled, and it took me a moment to work out it wasn’t a dream. I heard it again, shrill, piercing, and so foreign. I shot out of bed as my mind recognized it was Teegan. Natalie sleepiness was disappearing at a slightly slower pace. I raced to her crib in the main room.
Teegan’s face was scrunched up like an old man. Tears were flowing freely as she stood in her crib, reaching out to me. I moved quickly, hearing Natalie only a few steps behind me. As I grabbed my girl, sadness so deep filled my mind. I turned to Natalie as my tears started to flow.
“Your mother…” I stuttered. I wanted to fold Natalie into my arms, but she turned and ran toward the other bedroom. I knew what she would find. Teegan had felt Rose slip away, and it strained her to the limits. Natalie’s cry was hardly different.