Girl Friends

Author’s Note: All characters over eighteen. Thanks for reading.

****

I watched Rayla dancing her heart out and flirting outrageously with at least a half dozen people. It was one of those kinds of parties, apparently. I didn’t always know what her mood was going to be beforehand.

“Come dance with meee,” she whined to me for about the third time that night.

I shook my head. “I’m good.”

Rayla pouted and flopped onto the couch next to me. “You never dance with me.”

“I never dance with anyone,” I corrected.

“Well why not?”

I sipped my drink. “Some of us just appreciate getting quietly drunk like a civilized person.”

“Pff, whatever. You can do that when you’re old. You’re young! Be crazy!”

“You’re drunk.”

“So? That’s what we’re here for.”

I sighed. “If I dance with you, promise not to throw up on me?”

Rayla grinned maniacally. “Don’t worry, I’m saving that for the walk home.”

“How considerate.”

I let Rayla drag me out to dance with her. I usually ended up caving sooner or later. I didn’t care for the level of attention that she did, but admittedly I didn’t mind it as long as I could focus on her. When she got close and flirty with me, it warmed me in a way booze could never hope to compete with.

It didn’t mean anything though. I was just another girl for her to have fun with on the dance floor. Boys or girls were equal targets for her most of the time, though I’d yet to see Rayla actually develop feelings for any of them no matter how close and flirty she seemed to get.

I’d never told her that was why I put up a fight over dancing. Not because I was terribly shy, though I could be at times, but because I wanted to actually dance with her. Like for real. I wanted to hold her and feel her against me. I wanted that warmth she caused in me to envelop me all over until it was all I could feel.

Being best friends was good, I’d always love her that way, but I’d been forced to admit recently that there was a reason I never seriously looked at boys, and that reason was girls. Specifically one particular girl.

I was pretty sure Rayla knew that once she had me dancing, I was hers as long as she wanted me. I didn’t think she understood why. I was probably just a safe option when she wanted to dance, but was tired of flirting with other people.

“You’re too tense,” she said.

“I’m not.”

“You are. Just relax.”

Rayla danced closer with me. If she thought that was going to get me to relax, she was entirely mistaken.

Still, tense or not, I was enjoying it. I loved the tease of her, the feel of her hands on me, our bodies brushing or bumping into each other. I loved the faint scent of her, her gleaming eyes, and that teasing smile on her lips.

She was just being Rayla, just doing what she did, and all I wanted to do was kiss her. The need was so bad it hurt.

But… friends. Just friends. Friends didn’t make out on the dance floor.

Well actually that wasn’t true. I’d seen it happen before. I wasn’t drunk enough to try it, was probably the more accurate statement.

Once of these nights I’d make Rayla be the responsible one, see how she liked it. I’d get wasted and she’d have to look out for me. Maybe then I’d dare flirt back with her or… or more.

I was too much lost in my thoughts. Rayla must have sensed it, because she brought me back to reality by firmly grabbing my butt. Her evil grin told me she knew exactly what she was doing.

“You were daydreaming again,” she chided.

“Wasn’t. M’just drunk.”

“No you aren’t. Let’s get you another, then you can be.”

I let Rayla feed me more alcohol. What the hell. It was a party after all.

It did get better, actually. More booze in my system, less inhibitions, Rayla still wanting to playfully dance with me.

I flirted back more, put my hands on her and tried to see where she’d let them rest. I even played a game of pretending to kiss her. She’d laugh and move her head out of the way, like it was all for fun, which was only partly true.

“See, you jus’ need to loosen up sometimes,” Rayla said.

“You’re right,” I agreed, as soberly as drunk me could manage. “Wanna make out?”

“Hm, a li’l too loose there. Tighten back up about ten to fifteen percent.”

I grabbed her butt instead. She just laughed.

“Not what I meant,” she said.

“Sorry,” I said, not meaning it even a little bit.

****

Rayla and I meandered our way back to my place. My house was closer than hers, close enough to walk. It was a nice night out: moonlit, warm, romantic.

The two of us held hands most of the way, which I appreciated for all it was worth.

“Hey, Ames?” Rayla said.

She was balancing with great concentration along a low stone wall.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think we’re doing something wrong?”

“No, this is the right way.”

“Not directionally,” Rayla said. “I mean… when you get drunk at parties, aren’t you supposed to sometimes, like, hook up with your crush or something?”

My heart beat a little harder in my chest. Technically I was walking home in the moonlight with my crush, but I didn’t want to get into that.

“So movies would have us believe,” I said.

“Yeah.”

We walked a little farther.

“Ames?”

“Yeah, Ray?”

“I think maybe I don’t have a crush.”

“Well you’ve got lots to pick from if you ever want one.”

She made a face. “What, like people I’ve danced with?”

“Among others, yes. People like to flirt back with you.”

Rayla nodded. “Flirting is fun. But, like, I think it’s supposed to make me feel all funny and giddy with the right person. Like all nervous and sweaty, and we look at each other all shyly and then… and then… something. Something happens.”

“Sex?”

She giggled. “No, something before that.”

“Kissing?”

“Not quite what I meant. But yeah, kissing should happen, I think.”

“I tried to kiss you. You wouldn’t let me.”

“Hehe, you’re right. You can now, if you want.”

I stopped short. Rayla didn’t notice at first, but since we were still holding hands she was brought to an abrupt halt as well.

“What?” I said.

Rayla looked at me with a tilted head and a semblance of a coherent smile. “We could try it,” she said. “It’d be a good test. Like out in the moonlight, going home drunk with someone. We could find out what it feels like.”

I swallowed hard. I felt my palm sweating where I held Rayla’s hand. “I don’t know if it counts,” I said. “If you… if it’s….”

Rayla let go of my hand and stepped in front of me. She looked at me quite intently. “Obviously it would only be for real with someone you were crushing on. Or dating. Or–“

I kissed her. I could tell myself it was the booze, that it wasn’t me. But it was. As nervous to take advantage of her as I was, she’d opened the door too hard for me to gently close it again.

It wasn’t a good kiss. Even I had to admit that it was quick and nervous and uncoordinated. It wasn’t the perfectly scripted first kiss from a movie. Yet, for all that, it was as amazing as I could have hoped. That all too brief contact of our lips, the taste of her, the feel of our bodies awkwardly pressing together, it was the sort of thing to set off fireworks inside me and fully cement Rayla as my perfect crush.

Rayla put her arms around me, but I think it was just for balance.

“Wow,” she said, loosely hugging me. “That wasn’t bad, actually.”

My eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Yeah. I think kisses might be nice.”

I scoffed. “That wasn’t hardly your first one. It–“

“Yeah it was,” she said casually. “I would have told you if I’d kissed someone. I tell you everything.”

“That’s true,” I admitted, trying not to show all the excitement inside me trying to burst out.

Her first kiss. And it wasn’t bad! That was practically good!

“Let’s try it again,” Rayla said. “But lemme tilt more like… this. And then–“

I kissed her again. She was closer to me, arms wrapped around me. I wrapped mine around her too, pulling her tight as I dared. I savoured the kiss, drawing it out as much as I reasonably could. I wanted to live in that moment.

Rayla was quiet for a moment after. I held my breath, waiting for a reaction.

“Yeah, that’s nice,” she said. She pulled away from my embrace. “Come on, I need a bed now.”

I hurried to catch up and take her hand again. I was flushed, embarrassed, thrilled, nervous, basically all of things all at once, and I was pretty sure Rayla didn’t realize hardly any of it.

That was ok. The night was perfect just the way it was.

****

About twenty minutes later I was holding Rayla’s hair while she puked into the toilet. It wasn’t great. I wasn’t as badly drunk as her, but being near her throwing up was making me want to do the same. We didn’t make a pretty pair.

My mom must have heard us. She came padding out to check on us in her robe.

“Fun party, was it?” she asked through a yawn.

“It was ok,” I said.

I recalled kissing Rayla, and despite her current state I readjusted my grip, smoothing out her hair, and just smiled.

“Glad to hear it,” Mom said. “I’ll get you two some water. Should I make some toast or something while I’m at it?”

Rayla just groaned. I shrugged and nodded. “Yes please.”

Mom sat up with us a while as we nibbled on toast and drank at least a glass of water each. She didn’t chastise us or anything. It wasn’t really her style generally, and she’d let us form our own lessons from the aftereffects we suffered. I both loved and hated that about her at times. I appreciated that I didn’t have to worry about her yelling at me after coming home drunk, at least.

Rayla and I went to bed once we got too tired to stay up, and we seemed like we were past any more danger of throwing up.

“Ugh, my clothes all feel gross now,” she grumbled. She started pulling them off in rather uncoordinated fashion.

“Probably the throwing up and sweating,” I said, working on my clothes too.

“Blergh. Don’t let me ever drink again.”

“That’s what you said last time too.”

“And you didn’t stop me?”

“There’s no stopping you when you decide you want to party.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is.”

I bit my lip as Rayla kept going and actually got fully naked. I felt like such a bad friend appreciating the view as she crawled into my bed like that, but how was I supposed to help it? She’s the one who got naked.

I left my panties and shirt on for a sense of modesty, as well as the knowledge that both of us naked in my bed together was more than I could handle. Even as it was I felt all nervous and excited slipping in next to her.

Nothing was going to happen. That wasn’t us. Kisses or not we were still best friends, nothing more.

Rayla made that quite painful as she rolled next to me, close enough that her breasts pressed against my arm. I lay still and pretended like I couldn’t feel her next to me. I knew in my heart that I’d never sleep like that, that I’d be awake all night feeling her, listening to her breathing, and thinking about kissing her again.

I was, however, incorrect in that assessment. All the booze in my sleepy system put me out regardless of the number of nude crushes in my bed.

****

Morning kind of sucked. I didn’t have a bad hangover, but enough of one that I regretted drinking. A slow recall of the events of the night before slowly mollified me until I changed my mind entirely and welcomed the pain, as it had been deemed worthy.

Rayla was slower than me to wake up, and when as she did she cuddled harder to me, which made me even happier about the state of my life.

“Hmph. Ames?”

“Yeah, Ray?”

“How much did I drink last night?”

“A lot.”

“That makes sense.”

She groaned and shifted, wiggling somehow closer against me. I tried not to sigh happily out loud.

“Ames?”

“Yeah?”

“Am I naked?”

“You took your clothes off last night, yes.”

“… why did I do that?”

“You’re asking me?”

She hesitated. “We didn’t… we didn’t, like….”

“We didn’t what?”

“You know. When people get drunk and wake up naked with each other….”

I snorted. “We didn’t accidentally have sex,” I said, trying to sound casual about the possibility. “You’ll note that I’m not naked.”

“True.”

She went quiet a while. I halfway thought she might just fall back asleep.

“Ames, I kinda remember something.”

“Sure.”

“I’m not sure if it’s real though.”

“Well what is it?”

“It’s going to sound silly if it’s not real.”

“So what?”

“I just… I don’t know if it’s real.”

I nodded. “I think I got the point. What are we talking about?”

Rayla hesitated again. “Did we kiss?”

I felt a flush and hoped she couldn’t feel my heartbeat. “Yes.”

“Oh. Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry.”

I shrugged. “Nothing to be sorry about. We were both drunk, we both did it. It, uh, wasn’t unpleasant.”

Rayla groaned and pushed herself up. I was disappointed to lose her cuddles, but happy to see more of her as she raised herself and the covers fell away. She was hungover, bleary, and disheveled, arguably very much not at her most attractive, but she still appeared radiant and beautiful to me.

I could have just stared at her. Sure, partly because she was naked, but not entirely because of that. Partly just because I was hopelessly, painfully smitten. I had the sneaking suspicion that having slightly made out the night before wasn’t going to help my crush any.

“I need a shower,” she declared.

“That’s true. Your morning breath is kind of atrocious.”

“Bleh, shut up. I feel like I threw up all night.”

“Well… not all night.”

“Ugh. You’re not supposed to let me make such an ass of myself.”

“I feel like that’s got to be partly on you,” I said.

Rayla grumbled and padded nakedly toward the door. She stopped and turned back, and I had to quickly pretend like I hadn’t been straight up checking out her ass. She grabbed one of my shirts, one long enough to cover her, and carried on toward the shower.

To my own embarrassment, I started playing with myself while she was showering. What could I say, I was horny. It happened.

I rubbed my pussy just thinking about Rayla. My recent memories were particularly helpful: our kisses, her naked cuddles, the fact that she was currently in the shower with all that water streaming down her nude body….

I felt bad about it after I came. Felt like I was taking advantage. She was my best friend, and I definitely should not be playing with my clit while thinking about her like that. But it felt so good in the moment, got me all excited, and indeed made me cum in that special way I desperately needed.

Rayla returned while I was still lying there contemplating my life choices. She was wrapped in a towel, all fresh and damp from the shower. It was more modest than full nudity, but was an enticing look all unto itself.

She sat down delicately on the bed next to me.

“Ames, I really am sorry,” she said.

“You don’t need to be sorry about anything.”

“I do. We… we kissed. And–“

“It’s really ok,” I said. “That was both of us. It’s not like you made me do anything.”

She shook her head. “I’m not sorry for that. Just… it’s unfair to you.”

“Why?”

Rayla fidgeted with her towel. “Because I think it means a lot more to you than to me.”

I froze. “What?”

She smiled awkwardly. “You didn’t think I wasn’t going to pick up on it sooner or later, did you?”

“Oh god.”

“I mean, I think I know you pretty well.”

“Ray, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“No, I know. Not like it’s something you can help. I wish we could have talked about it though. Before I did something stupid.”

I sat up and hugged my knees. “I couldn’t talk about it. Who crushes on their best friend? It’s not right.”

“It’s not a big deal. I mean it’s kind of flattering, in some ways. I just… I don’t think I can feel the same.”

I looked down and shook my head. “I know. Trust me, I know. I didn’t want to say anything, ’cause it’ll probably go away eventually. I’ll find some other girl maybe. I just… I wish it would happen faster. And you’ll find a boyfriend too. We’ll both be happy, and still be friends, and it’ll all be good.”

Rayla sighed. “Ames, it’s not that I can’t feel the same specifically about you. I mean….”

“What?”

“Just….”

“Ray, what is it?”

“Oh god, Ames, I don’t think I can feel the same about anyone. I… I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush. Ever had anyone I liked. I’m supposed to. I know I’m supposed to. And I try so hard, but it just doesn’t work. That’s why I feel bad about last night. I even took advantage of you to try and just feel what I’m supposed to feel, and it just doesn’t work.”

She started to shake. I didn’t think she was crying, but it was awfully close. I crawled over and wrapped my arms around her. She resisted for a moment, then let me hug her.

“I don’t feel taken advantage of,” I said.

“Doesn’t mean you weren’t.”

“I think you have to let me decide if I was or not.”

Rayla shrugged. “Ok.”

She kept trembling for a while, then eventually settled a bit. It felt nice, just holding her, like a friend. Yes I’d just masturbated to her, but this was more solid ground. Just best friends being there for each other. It felt good in its own way, with no tricky moral questions floating along behind it. I missed just having these pure, wholesome moments.

“So… tell me about not liking anyone,” I said softly. “I always assumed you were ok. You’re the biggest flirt I know. In hindsight… maybe that doesn’t mean what I thought it meant.”

Rayla half laughed and half sobbed. She smiled as she swiped at her eye, wiping away a few errant tears. “It doesn’t,” she confirmed. “That was me trying to feel… whatever I’m supposed to feel. And I mean it’s fun. Just messing around. But any time I thought about doing more, or someone was interested in doing more… it doesn’t feel right. Sometimes it downright freaks me out. And I just can’t explain why. Not even to myself.”

I shrugged and hugged her tighter. “That’s ok.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah.”

“You know I used you as a safety net. Whenever I didn’t feel comfortable anymore around other people, I’d use you as a shield.”

“That’s what friends are for.”

“Even when I started to realize you felt stuff for me? Was that still ok?”

“I never said anything. I didn’t want you to know.”

“Yeah, but I still knew. Mostly.”

“Maybe we both could have been more honest,” I said.

“Probably, yeah.”

I kept hugging Rayla. I wasn’t entirely sure what kept us both locked in that embrace, but it felt good, and it reassured me that things were ok.

“Ames?”

“Hm?”

“Do you want to kiss me again?”

I perked up, feeling my heartbeat increase to match. The immediate thrill lasted only a second before I thought about it. “We did that when we were drunk.”

“I know. That’s why… I mean if we did it, maybe I should at least properly remember what it feels like. I remember last night, but not all that clearly.”

“You know I want to say yes.”

“I do.”

“But you don’t really want to, right? Is it just for me?”

Rayla squirmed a little. “The weird thing is I do want to. Just… not because I want to be with you. Not like as a girlfriend. If this is just going to be weird then we shouldn’t, and maybe I shouldn’t have even said anything. But… if it’s ok to just kiss again… just a little… then I think I kind of want to.”

I didn’t argue about it. I didn’t want to win an argument like that. She wanted to kiss, so I kissed her. Maybe it was a terrible idea. I wasn’t about to sit around questioning it.

It was a different vibe altogether from the night before. We weren’t drunk and spontaneous, out in the moonlight, all alone in a sleeping world. Just two girls in a bedroom, close together, lips meeting all soft and tender together.

It was wonderful. That was my biased opinion. I decided I liked it even more than last time. Maybe just because it was fresh and new and happening to me in the moment, but maybe also because we were both fully aware of each other this time. Fully awake and sober, making deliberate choices, and somehow holding each other and kissing in the soft morning light.

“Problem is I could do this all day,” I murmured.

Rayla giggled and turned away a little, just enough for her lips to be out of reach. “Really?”

“Yeah. Really.”

“I mean… it’s nice, but I think all day might be excessive.”

I sighed. “That’s ’cause you’re not in love.”

“In love!?”

I went bright red immediately. “I mean… shit, I didn’t mean that. I just meant… I meant I’ve been crushing on you. It came out wrong! It–“

Rayla laughed hysterically and put a hand to my mouth to stop me. “Haha, oh my god, it’s ok. I know what you meant. It caught me off guard is all.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok. It really is. That was nice. I liked it. I don’t want, like, romance or anything. But kisses are nice.”

I was still blushing, but I wasn’t nearly so panicked as I’d been a moment ago. I was even able to smile shyly.

“You really like them?”

“I do.”

“… do you want to do more?”

Rayla reluctantly pulled away from me and stood up. She adjusted her towel, re-securing it. I entertained a fleeting thought of tugging it from her body and seeing her naked again.

“Probably shouldn’t,” she said. “Too much of a good thing, you know.”

“Ok. But we’re cool, right?”

“Yeah, Ames. We’re cool. Of course we are. You’re my bestie, and I’ll always love you in that capacity. Even if we’re both a little weird sometimes.”

“Cool. I… I’m gonna go shower too, I think.”

“Sounds good. I’m going to borrow some of your clothes.”

I nodded. “So I assumed.”

****

Things went back to mostly normal for Rayla and me. We hung out together or with our other friends, went to classes, went to occasional parties. Just the usual.

I still crushed on Rayla. The difference now was that she knew it, and I knew she knew. Also the fact that I had kissed her and knew how wonderful it could be in reality. I wasn’t sure if that made things better or worse for me. A little of each depending on my mood, I supposed.

“You gotta stop looking at me so lovelorn and shit,” Rayla murmured one day while were hanging out at Charlene’s pool with her and some of our other friends.

“I’m not,” I said.

“You are. I’m getting pretty expert at catching you at it. Someone else is bound to notice.”

I flushed. “M’not even lovelorn,” I mumbled. “But… I mean you’re in a bikini. What am I supposed to do, not look?”

Rayla snorted. “You’ve seen me naked.”

“Yeah, and I liked that too. Bikinis are hot in different ways.”

“Ah.”

“And… you look really good in it.”

“… thanks.”

Rayla blushed a little too. I tried my best not to stare at her quite so hard, but I wasn’t at all lying about how good she looked in her bikini.

I got an excuse to feel her a bit when we messed around in the water some. She knew exactly what I was up to, of course, even if to our friends it was just regular horseplay in the pool.

It didn’t help any that Rayla looked even better when she got our of the pool all wet and her suit clinging skin-tight to her body.

Charlene distracted me from perving out too hard by sauntering by and sitting next to me. She was just as wet from the pool as Rayla and I, and was still messing with her hair trying to get it back into some kind of order.

“So, Amy, did you hear that someone likes you?”

I stiffened a little before realizing she obviously didn’t mean Rayla. Not that I cared if anyone knew how I felt, but I didn’t want it coming out like this and potentially bothering Rayla.

“Someone likes me?” I asked. “Not a boy again, I hope.”

“Haha, nah. You know Jocelyn?”

“Um… vaguely. I think we had a class together.”

“Yeah, well she thinks you’re cute.”

I felt Rayla smirking at me. I just blushed faintly. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. She’d say yes if you asked her out. Like ninety percent sure.”

“Oh. Cool. But, um… I don’t know.”

Charlene frowned. “Oh come on. You have to date sometime. And she’s into you! And she’s cute and fun, maybe a little too shy, but that’s–“

“No, just… I might kind of already like someone.”

Charlene’s eyes lit up and our other friends crowded in some more. I felt too much the centre of attention all of a sudden. Rayla was no help, mostly just trying not to crack up.

“You do?” Charlene said excitedly. “I didn’t know that. Who is it?”

“I’d rather not say.”

“What? But… is it me? Ooh, is it?”

I rolled my eyes. “You’ve got a boyfriend already.”

“Yeah, well, maybe that’s why you never told me then.”

“It’s not you.”

“It’s ok if it is. I mean, I don’t like girls. But it’s nice to be appreciated.”

“Uh huh. It’s still not you,” I said firmly.

“Anyone I know?”

I sighed and leaned back. “I’m not telling. That’s that.”

“Tease!”

“That’s right.”

Charlene pouted for a moment. “Rayla!”

My eyes opened wide in panic for a second.

“Rayla, you know who Amy likes, right?”

I closed my eyes and fought my pounding heart, trying to keep cool. I’d very nearly just given myself away because I thought Charlene had realized that it was, in fact, Rayla with whom I was smitten.

“I might,” Rayla said lazily.

“So you do!”

“I might, I said.”

Charlene folded her arms. “Are you gonna tell us?”

“Even if I know, it wouldn’t be my secret to share.”

“But you do know,” Charlene insisted.

“You ask again and I push you into the pool,” Rayla said.

Charlene shrugged and stood up. “Fine, but you two are no fun.”

“We have some concept of privacy, is all.”

“That’s what I said. No fun.”

Rayla gave me a sidelong grin as Charlene pattered away. I smiled shyly back.

****

“What do you normally do when someone asks who you like?” Rayla asked me later, when it was just the two of us.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Doesn’t come up that often.”

“You used to tell me about girls you thought were cute.”

“Oh. Yeah, well, I guess I still do that sometimes. I guess it’s been different since….”

“Since you started thinking I was cute?” Rayla asked with a teasing smile.

“Since I started crushing on you,” I corrected. “I think… I think I always thought you were cute. Just didn’t realize it for a while.”

“Always, huh?”

“Oh don’t look so smug. You are cute. Not like that’s a revelation.”

“It’s nice to hear though.”

I shrugged. “I guess.”

Rayla lay on her bed and curled her knees up to her chest. We were at her house this time, and I’d stolen some of her clothing. Honestly it was to a point I couldn’t always keep track of whose clothes were whose originally.

“You’re cute too, if that helps,” she said.

I blushed. “Thanks.”

“I mean… I don’t really want to do anything about it. But you are, though.”

“Just me? Or do you find lots of people cute?”

Rayla chewed her lip. “I’d say… a decent number of people. Usually when I flirt with someone it’s ’cause I think they’re cute. For a while I thought maybe that would be enough, but it never was.”

“No. It’s more than that for me too. Like… like I don’t know. It’s you, you know? Basically the person who knows me the best of anyone, who I always spend all my time with, who’s basically like a sister… actually maybe ignore that last one.”

Rayla giggled. “No, I get it. Like a sister you want to make out with.”

“Gross! Shut uuuppp. Just like… god, I want to be best friends with you always. Just, I don’t know, if there was some naked time in there sometimes it would be ideal.” I waved my hand. “Not that I’m trying to pressure you or anything. I definitely don’t want to do that. I’m just saying. Some people want to fuck random hotties. I don’t think that’s for me. I like knowing you already, and knowing how much I like you, and… stuff.”

Rayla was quiet for a moment. I busied myself brushing out my hair, pretending like I hadn’t just over-shared like crazy. Though to be fair, we knew each other so intimately already it wasn’t like over-sharing was really a thing between us.

“I like that,” she finally said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean… I like the idea of living with someone like that. Someone who’s your best friend, and you love waking up next to every morning, and going for walks, and sharing all the same doofy jokes you’ve had for years. Just sappy romantic shit.”

I smiled. “Yeah. That sounds nice.”

“I just really, really struggle to ever want to have sex with anyone. Even you.”

“Oh my god, Ray. I… we’re not having sex.”

“I know. But you would, wouldn’t you? If I wanted to, and got naked right now, and… and stuff.”

“… yes.”

“Right. So just… that’s the part that doesn’t work for me.”

I sat down next to her, carefully seating my weight on the mattress, trying not to disturb her. She looked even cuter than normal, all curled up and thoughtful.

“Ray?”

“Hm?”

“This might sound stupid, but….”

“Say it.”

“It might be really stupid.”

She shrugged. “So? It’s me. Just say it.”

I nodded. “Ok. What if we just tried dating. The two of us.”

“But I–“

“Just the parts you want. No sex. No… I mean I don’t know what else you don’t want, but none of that either.”

Rayla reached for my hand and gently ran her thumb over my knuckles. “That actually doesn’t sound stupid at all.”

“Really?”

“Really. I just, like, don’t want you to get hurt, Ames. I think that maybe I’d like that, but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking I might like to date lots of people, and I never actually do when it comes to it.”

“This is different,” I said more confidently than I actually felt.

“Why?”

“Because you already kissed me and didn’t hate it.”

Rayla cracked a wide, slow grin. “You’re going to be insufferable about that, aren’t you?”

“It’s my favourite thing that’s happened in a while, yes.”

“… you can kiss me again if you want.”

I stroked my hand through Rayla’s hair, guiding her face to tilt up more toward me, then kissed her. I was, in my own limited opinion, getting quite good at kissing her. It just felt so right.

It was exciting and nerve-wracking every time so far. Yet, despite that and all the thrills running through me, it felt comfortable, like it was something we’d been doing for years. Maybe it was because it was Rayla, the person I was already the most comfortable with. She could make my tummy fill with butterflies, but I never had to truly be scared of anything when it came to her. Our emotional connection was as warm and solid as ever, even if some physical connections were brand new.

“Damn that’s still really nice,” Rayla said.

“Mmhm,” I agreed.

I tried to kiss her some more, but she gently held my face back from hers.

“Is sex… is it even better?”

“You’re asking the wrong person.”

“Right, yeah. Guess neither of us really knows, huh?”

“Not at the moment, no,” I said. “Can I kiss you more or what?”

Rayla giggled. “You’re so single-minded.”

“If you could kiss yourself, you’d understand.”

“You mean if I was totally smitten with myself and getting all kissy.”

“Sure. That.”

“Ames… what if sex would be really good and I’m just scared of it for no reason?”

I sat back, giving up on more kisses for the moment. “I really don’t know what to tell you about that. Do you feel scared of it?”

“Kind of.”

“Then maybe you’re just not ready for it. I don’t know.”

“Maybe. Maybe I just need to do it to find out.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Or maybe it’s really just not something I’d like.”

“Also possible.”

Rayla harrumphed. “You’re not helping, you know.”

I shrugged. “I can’t decide who you are for you.”

“Well, no, but you could give me some well-intentioned but ultimately useless advice.”

“Ok, you should kiss your hot friend some more.”

“I said you were cute. Never said hot.”

“You didn’t have to say it. Your eyes gave it all away already.”

“You’re such a goof, Ames.”

“Mmhm.”

I moved in again. Rayla accepted more kisses. I took my time, pushing my luck, waiting for her to signal it was enough. She didn’t. I just kept kissing her, slowly ending up on top of her.

My instincts were to go further, to feel her, to get under her clothes. Stuff like that. I didn’t listen to those instincts. I accepted a long, luxurious make-out with her. It was, I felt, the right choice.

****

It was weird dating Rayla at first. We were both so awkward about it. Even when it was just mostly the same as hanging out the way we’d always done. It felt like we needed to be different around each other in some way.

We worked our way through that. We realized we didn’t need to be different or more formal together. Basically just hanging out with some occasional hand holding and kisses was all it took.

I was over the moon about it, so happy it hurt. Rayla didn’t always know how to feel. I understood that. Sometimes I wished she could be happier and more certain of herself, but sometimes too I worried that if she wasn’t exactly the way she was, she wouldn’t be with me. Incredibly selfish of me, I know, but I was young and in love. Both of those things can mess with a girl’s mind.

It was scary and exciting letting people know about us, especially since we weren’t really quite girlfriends exactly. Just friends who were seeing what dating each other felt like. I kept tripping up wanting to call Rayla my girlfriend, but not quite being able to yet.

“Well at least I get why you two were being so weird about stuff,” Charlene said.

We were hanging out at her pool again, in the evening this time. A half-dozen of us just lazing around getting drunk or stoned, as to preference.

“Who was being weird?” I asked casually.

“I mean you kind of were for a while,” Wendy said. “The two of you. Amy wouldn’t tell us who she liked, and Rayla used to flirt with everyone, then no one. I was starting to wonder if she actually liked anyone.”

“I still wonder that,” Rayla said. She had her head in my lap, and despite acting drunk, I was pretty sure she was the most sober of any of us there.

“You like Amy,” Charlene said as thought it settled everything.

“Besides her, I mean,” Rayla said. “Like someone who doesn’t like boys or girls. That’s a thing, right?”

“Asexual?” Wendy said. “Sure. That’s legit.” She blushed faintly. “So you two don’t, like….”

“None of anyone’s business,” I said lightly.

“Sure, sure. Right.”

“Maybe you’re demisexual,” Beth said. I’d sworn she was too high to even be paying attention, but I’d apparently been wrong.

“I’m… half sexual?” Rayla asked, wrinkling her nose in a manner I found incredibly endearing.

“Nah, like you only get attracted to people you’re already close to. That kind of thing,” Beth said.

“That’s just how it works anyway, right?” Rayla asked. She looked around. “Right?”

“Well… not really,” Charlene said. “I mostly want people I don’t know that well. It just feels so messy if I already know their drama. Though to be fair, it doesn’t work out that well for me most of the time, so that’s not necessarily the right answer.”

“Don’t think there is a right answer,” Beth said lazily. “Just people being into whoever they’re into. No right or wrong about it.”

Rayla still looked confused. “But… Ames, you’re into me, and we were really close already.”

I nodded. “That’s true. But, like, I’ve definitely been horny for other girls before. Just not in a particularly strong way, I guess. Not like with you.”

Rayla appeared troubled now. “People really get horny over people they don’t know?”

A chorus of assents returned. I squeezed Rayla’s hand, trying to convey reassurance.

“I just thought people were, you know, showing off and stuff,” she said.

“That too. But some of it’s real,” I said. “Sometimes there’s just this feeling. Doesn’t always take much.”

“It does for me,” she said softly.

“I know. And that’s ok.”

“You want a hit of this?” Beth asked, holding a newly lit joint. “You look like you need it.”

Rayla nodded and sat up, moving closer to Beth so they could share. “I think maybe I do. This is… a lot.”

“I mean you’re still the same person as always,” Charlene said. “If that helps any.”

Rayla sighed. “Yeah, but I realize now I’m even weirder than I thought. And I feel way, way stupider about all those times trying to flirt with people. I just thought it would click sooner or later. Like I’d figure out what I was supposed to feel.”

“Well it might have kind of worked,” I said. “Just not really in the way you expected.”

“Maybe,” Rayla said. “Shit though, Ames. What if I’m just doing it again but with you? What if I never actually feel the right things? What if–“

I moved quickly, if a little uncoordinated thanks to my drink. I kissed Rayla, nearly tackling her to the ground. Our friends cheered and laughed at the clumsy attempt. Rayla started laughing too. I grinned at her until she buried her face against me, still occasionally shaking with repressed laughter.

“You two are too friggin’ cute,” Charlene said. “Make me want to try again finding a good boyfriend.”

“Don’ worry ’bout it,” Beth said, leaning back and letting her eyes close. “Jus’ enjoy the night for now.”

“Yeah. Yeah I guess.”

****

Rayla continued to brood from time to time about what exactly she wanted in a relationship, and whether her desires were fair to me and/or herself. I mostly just kept taking every opportunity to make out with her more. I knew what I wanted, and I was getting at least some of it, so that was working out nicely I thought.

Rayla usually could be seduced into kissy times, though it was very, very rare for her to initiate. It was fine. I knew what I was getting into. There were occasions when I kind of minded knowing that I was more into her than she was into me, but again I knew what I was getting into, and really had no one to blame but myself.

Mostly I just loved it. I had my best friend, same as always, and I got to kiss her lots. We held hands sometimes or snuggled more than usual, and I got to play games of trying to subtly pressing against her in more intimate ways than ever before. I spent practically a whole movie night once with my head nestled against her boobs. She definitely knew it was deliberate, but she let me do it anyway.

What actually caught me by surprise was the revelation that she might have had her own interest in me sneaking feels from time to time.

We were at my place, sitting in the dark on my couch and watching a show together. It was late, my parents were in bed already, and we were snuggling hard together. We got into little bouts of making out here and there, but mostly I was just holding her, my arms wrapped around her midsection.

“Ames?” she said.

“Yeah, babe?”

“Hehe, that’s still so weird hearing you call me that after all these years.”

“What, you don’t like it? What about–“

“No, I kinda do. It’s just strange is all.”

I shrugged and kissed her shoulder. “Oh. Anyway, what were you gonna say?”

“I… nevermind.”

“No, tell me.”

“Ok. I was just gonna ask if, like, you ever wanted to… feel me up more.”

“… is that a serious question?”

Rayla nodded. “It is.”

“Of course I want to feel you up more. Ray, I want to do so many things to you. Or with you. Or whatever.”

She turned her head fully away from me, hiding her expression. “So why don’t you?”

“‘Cause I don’t want you to be uncomfortable about it, duh. You like kisses, and I’m happy to stick with them.”

“No you’re not. You want more. I can tell when you get all horny and stuff.”

I bit my lip. “I mean… yes, I do want more. I just don’t want to be pushy, and I don’t ever want to ruin our friendship over it. I would… I would stop kissing you forever if I had to before I’d want to scare you off.”

“Oh Ames, I really like kissing you.”

“I know. I’m glad.”

“How about… how about if you want to try some things sometimes, then maybe you should, and I’ll let you know when I’m not comfortable, ok?”

I wrapped my arms tighter around her, feeling my eyes go wide and my fingers tremble a little with excitement. “Really? For real?”