PART 5
When John woke up in the morning, he had a mission in mind: he was going to get Alexis alone and try to give her the best blowjob he possibly could. He wanted to do it partly to tell her how much he loved her, but mostly to allay his guilt about wishing Alexis had a vagina. He knew he wouldn’t enjoy giving her head; his only joy would come in knowing that Alexis loved him for doing it. He would also let her cum in his mouth, and he would swallow it down. And if he didn’t like to do it, if he still thought cum tasted gross, and if he did not enjoy giving head, he would know for a fact that he could not be the kind of boyfriend Alexis deserved.
—
The sun was out and Alexis’ parents had left for work, but Alexis slept in. She was having a dream she did not want to wake up from.
In her dream, Alexis was a hermaphrodite, just as she had been born. She still had her penis, but it was just above her vagina in the place of her clit. Her balls also dangled on either side of her vaginal slit, making lips out of her sac.
But her dream was actually not about sex at all. In her dream she was a rock star, and she was naked on stage singing one of Lutz’s songs from the album John had bought for her. In her dream she was the only one naked, but she wasn’t shy about it. She continued to sing and walk around the stage and point to people in the crowd and boogie up next to her guitar player.
The crowd cheered for her so loudly she couldn’t hear herself sing, and she didn’t even know if the crowd could hear her. But she could certainly hear them, and it was the best feeling in the world, to know that everyone loved her for who she was.
She began to wake up in the middle of the dream, but she didn’t want to. She kept her eyes closed and tried to keep the dream alive as long as she could. But she finally had to leave the dream behind when she heard the doorbell ring.
She was too groggy to realize it was almost certainly John, so she quickly changed into day clothes before seeing who it was. She felt a tinge of emotion – perhaps disappointment, perhaps grief, perhaps anger – when she caught sight of her dick, and saw that that was all it was.
Dressed now, she heard the doorbell ring again, so she rushed to the door to see it was John after all. He looked impatient and little down, but she didn’t get to ask him what was wrong before he kissed her deep and hard.
“Good morning,” Alexis said, pulling herself away from him and letting him inside.
“Parents aren’t home, right?” John asked.
“No, they’re not. Do you want to do something this early? I just woke up.”
“That’s okay.”
“Haven’t showered or anything.”
“That’s okay.”
“Do you just want to hang out, then?” Alexis asked.
“No, I want to blow you.”
Alexis looked at him for a moment, uncomprehending.
“Got time for romance, stud?” Alexis finally said. She wasn’t in the mood right now. Nothing about her privates was appealing right now.
“I – I guess so,” John said, and Alexis almost heard him sigh in relief. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to put it off or get it over with.
Alexis went to the kitchen to make herself breakfast, and John followed her, watching her ass. He wasn’t in the mood either, but he needed to get himself in the mood in a hurry. And John loved Alexis’ ass.
“So what made you want to race down here and blow me all of a sudden?” Alexis asked, trying to sound nonchalant and pleasant. She thought she knew what was really going on, but was still a little too groggy to connect the dots.
John thought for a moment, then said “Well, I know how you always feel embarrassed about what you have, and I wanted to show appreciation for it. I wanted to show you how much I love you d- because of who you are.” He almost said ‘despite what you have’, but corrected himself quickly. He did not want to admit that what he used to love about her was now causing him problems.
“So you’re doing this for me?” Alexis asked. “I told you you never have to do anything you don’t want to for me.”
“No, I want to do it.”
“Because you enjoy sucking me off?”
“Well, I’ll find that part out.”
“So you don’t know if you enjoy it for the sake of doing it, then?”
“I want to,” John said. “I want to enjoy sucking you as much as you enjoy sucking me. I want our relationship to be equal. Every time you suck me off, I want to return the favor.”
“Look, John, we’ve been over this. You don’t have to feel like that. I enjoy giving blowjobs, but if you don’t like it, I am perfectly okay with it.”
“But I’m not perfectly okay with it. And I don’t think you are, either.”
“I am, John-“
“I want to be the best boyfriend you could ever have, because I love you. And I love you so much that if I’m not the best boyfriend you could ever have…”
“What?” Alexis said, hoping he would finish. She pulled him closer and kissed him gently. “John, you ARE the best boyfriend I could ever have. I love you more than anyone. I don’t look at other guys; I only look at you. You are the nicest, sweetest, most wonderful guy ever, and that’s what makes you a great boyfriend. The sex stuff it great, too, so don’t be concerned about that. I love what we do. Even if all we ever did was rub ourselves together, I’d still love it. I give you blowjobs not just because I want you to enjoy them; I do them because I enjoy them. There is no way you need to ‘pay me back’ for them.”
“I want to. I feel like this is one-sided.”
“It’s not. I mean, it’s like you liking chocolate ice cream and me liking both chocolate and vanilla, so you feel like you have to eat vanilla to make things even. That makes no sense.”
“No, it’s-” John stopped and furrowed his brow. “That analogy makes no sense.”
Alexis laughed. “That’s how I see it.”
“But don’t you like getting blowjobs?”
“Yes, I do, I think they’re great, but you don’t have to do them to me if you don’t want to. Little secret: I can do them by myself.”
John’s eyes grew.
“You can suck your own dick?”
Alexis laughed again. “Yeah. I do it sometimes instead of, you know, just jerking off.”
“Oh man… can I watch?”
“Plans changed a little, have they? Tell you what: you can watch me suck myself, and you can even help if you really want to, but first… you have to pepper me up.”
“Pepper you up?”
“Make me hard.”
“Oh!” John said, and held her close and kissed her. They kissed both sensually and sexually for minutes, and Alexis forgot about making herself breakfast. They kissed lips-only one moment, then hard deep tongues the next; John licked her cheek one moment, and gently nibbled her earlobe the next; cupped her ass cheeks one moment, dug his hands down her pants and squeezed them hard the next.
And all of it, everything John did to Alexis, picked up her dick till it was pre-cumming in her pants.
When John finally stuck his hand up her shirt and touched her breasts, Alexis could take no more.
“Okay,” she said, feeling hot and out of breath, “into the bathroom with you.”
“Why the bathroom?” John asked.
“It’s where I always do it. No questions,” Alexis said, and pulled John to the bathroom without resistance. John himself was getting hard, wanting to see the show. Although he had to admit the kissing in the kitchen was plenty fun, too.
When they got to the bathroom, John helped Alexis out of her clothes, then watched her as she lie on the ground and stretch out.
“Got to limber up first,” Alexis said. “Relax, take your clothes off, enjoy yourself.”
John didn’t need to be told twice. He pulled his clothes off, nearly falling over trying to take off his socks, before finally sitting down on the edge of the tub and touching himself, watching her stretch. It was like erotic yoga to John, and it was hot.
When Alexis finished stretching, she lay on her back, and lifted her legs up and over so her toes touched the ground behind her head.
John’s mouth gaped, watching how easily Alexis could bring her cock to her mouth. He got off the edge of the tub and sat down next to Alexis, watching intently.
The head of Alexis’ cock rested on her chin, and it took no effort to open her mouth and lick the foreskin. She was in the zone, and had her eyes closed, rolling her tongue all over it.
John reached out and pulled Alexis’ foreskin back, allowing her to lick the head properly. She smiled at the touch and the help, but kept her eyes closed, to feel it all.
Alexis lifted her back a little more, and took the head of her cock in her mouth. She licked the head inside her mouth, but closed her lips over it to suck it in earnest.
John almost automatically guided her dick further into her mouth with the hand the held it, and took his other and placed it on her balls, rubbing them gently and squeezing them slightly.
Soon the tip of Alexis’ dick was touching the back of her throat, and she could not put it further in without gagging. But she continued to suck, feeling even better than usual because John’s hands were helping her.
But John was fascinated by Alexis sucking her own dick, and wanted to help out more. He took his hands away and brought his lips to her balls. He began to kiss her sac, first with gentle pecks, then slipping his tongue out to lick it.
John tried to analyze what he was doing, and tried to deconstruct the feeling, even as horny as he was, which made it difficult to do. But he couldn’t complain about licking Alexis’ sac; it wasn’t bad in anyway, and it was enjoyable at least for the fact that he knew Alexis liked it, and if Alexis did it to him he would enjoy it. But it was not something he would rather do than get his own balls licked.
He rubbed her ass cheeks and squeezed them as he licked her balls, finally taking them into his mouth and sucking them.
Alexis felt her balls enter his warm mouth, and she loved two mouths at once on her privates. But her dick was not all the way in her mouth, a little was still exposed, and she wanted to correct that.
John heard Alexis gag, so he pulled away, and saw that she had too much of her own cock in her mouth, and was choking on it.
On instinct, John pulled Alexis’ legs back to the ground, so she could lie flat. She stopped coughing, sat up on shaky arms, and said “No, it’s alright. I want to keep going.”
“But you were choking.”
“I know.”
“You want to choke?”
“No, but I want to be able to deepthroat. I want to be able get my entire cock – or yours – in my mouth. Can I at least try to suck yours?”
“I don’t want to make you throw up or anything,” John said.
“I promise I won’t. Now gimme.”
John smiled, then said, “Okay, lay back down. I want to try something.”
“What?”
“You’ll see.”
Alexis lay back down, and John kneeled down at her head. She craned her neck back, so she looked at John’s dick upside down, then opened her mouth and let John slide his dick in.
John felt Alexis’ tongue slide over the top of his dick, and watched her body instinctually lift to give her head a better angle on John’s cock. Alexis’ erect cock stood high in the air, and as John looked at it, he saw for the beautiful thing it was, all thoughts of what should be there forgotten.
John felt the head of his cock hit the back of Alexis’ throat, and then keep going. Alexis went slow, getting used to the feeling, resisting her gag reflex by pure willpower.
John looked down and saw her bottom lip around his dick, her dimpled chin, her thin, pretty neck, her cute, perky breasts, her flat, tight stomach, her slim waist, and finally settled his eyes again on her small, erect cock, the head of it shiny and wet with her spit and precum.
He bent forward, letting Alexis’ ass fall back to the ground, letting her lie flat, but continuing to suck his dick, to try to get more into her mouth. She coughed a little, but John forced himself to disregard it. It was what she wanted, and she knew what she was doing.
He brought his face close to her dick, holding himself up by putting his hands on the floor and bending his elbows as if her we doing push-ups. He opened his mouth and began to lick the head of Alexis’ cock. The pre-cum still tasted gross to John, but he tried to work through it.
He continued to lick Alexis’ cock for a minute, concentrating on the head but sliding his tongue along her shaft sometimes. He could feel that all Alexis was trying to do was get more of his own cock in her throat, gagging a little then pushing further on. He could feel her tongue slide and twist along the top of his shaft, and could feel her mouth filling up with saliva and the hot breath escape her lips and blow against his skin.
John finally took the head of Alexis’ cock in to his mouth, finding the taste of her precum to be almost unbearable. To avoid it, he tried to suck more of her dick, just as she was doing to him, but in his case, it was his effort to get the head of her cock past his tongue so he couldn’t taste her precum anymore.
Once his taste buds slipped past the head, he found the taste of her shaft not unpleasant. Nothing more or less special than the taste of her breasts, and he couldn’t complain.
John tried to breathe through his nose so he wouldn’t have to take Alexis’ dick out of his mouth to breathe, and found it not nearly as difficult to keep there as he thought.
Alexis coughed again, this time violently, and by instinct, her body spasmed and her hips lifted, slamming her dick hard down John’s throat. He ripped his face away and tried to cough, nearly throwing up. He fell onto his side, nearly kicking Alexis in the head, trying to control his vomit reflex.
Alexis sat up quickly. “What’s wrong? Are you choking?”
“No,” John managed to say, recovering after a moment, wiping the tears from his eyes. “I’m fine now.”
“Are you ok to keep going?”
“I just… I don’t think I can do it. I can’t do what you do.”
“Come on, John, let’s not argue this again…”
“No, I’m not gonna argue. I’m just gonna keep going.”
“I don’t want you to do what you don’t want to,” Alexis said, “but I feel like I don’t have much choice in the matter.”
John looked away in shame. “I need to,” he said softly.
Alexis sighed. She couldn’t say anything he hadn’t heard before, and there was no convincing him that he didn’t have to do something he didn’t like. “Maybe it’ll work better with me on top,” she said, trying to do anything that would help him.
“Yeah,” was all John said, and lay down to let Alexis get on top.
Alexis crawled over him, back into the 69 position. John’s dick was going soft, as was her own, so she went straight back at it and began to suck John’s dick with gusto. Instead of trying to deepthroat, she just bobbed her head, slurping over his cock like she was in a porno. John’s dick picked back up quick, and soon she felt his tongue licking her cock again. He was reserved about doing so, and going much slower than she, but eventually he took the head of her cock in his mouth again and began to suck on it.
Alexis cupped John’s balls and gave them a little squeeze, dripping spit onto to them. When she came up for air she would stroke him hard and fast, then dive back down onto it.
Soon she realized John wasn’t even sucking her dick anymore; he was probably giving into the feeling of his own and couldn’t do both at once. She did feel John’s hands massaging and squeezing her ass cheeks, but she knew he wasn’t doing anything with her cock. She thought she could feel her balls resting on his lips, and only barely did he kiss them or lick them. He was in his own world, ready to cum and unable to do anything else. That was okay with Alexis; she was nearly in her own little world, too, where there was nothing but John’s cock and her mouth.
Alexis felt John’s balls tighten up, his back arch, and his dick begin to convulse. She didn’t stop her porno-style sucking, but just kept going as he shot his cum into her mouth. She kept as much in her mouth as she could before swallowing, savoring the taste.
When John’s orgasm was over, and he felt that he could compose himself, he opened his mouth and began to lick Alexis’ sac again. Even though he had cum, she hadn’t, and she was still sucking his dick even as it began to fall flaccid. He knew he had to get her to cum, and he was going to swallow her cum just as she had swallowed his.
John brought his mouth to Alexis’ cock and wrapped his lips around the head. Her precum was flowing again, and although it tasted awful, he knew he couldn’t try to move his tongue past the head, or he’d risk choking again, especially if she suddenly thrust again.
But Alexis did not thrust again. Instead, she simply continued to suck John’s dick, even though it was soft. She could no longer suck it porno-style, so she went back to trying to fit the whole thing in her mouth. It was much easier now that it was flaccid and smaller, and she fit his entire shaft in her mouth without much trouble now. His cock still reached her throat, but did not go down.
Alexis was still lost in her own world, where only three sensations existed: she had a cock in her mouth, she had her cock in another mouth, and she had hands massaging her ass cheeks. These three feelings brought her close to orgasm, but did not quite reach it.
Her orgasm finally hit when she felt one of John’s hands leave her ass cheek and slide down her taint to tickle her balls. This was the last straw for her, and she tensed and came.
John had almost no time to mentally prepare for the taste of cum after Alexis’ body stiffened, but he didn’t quite need to. The first shot of cum went right past his tongue and hit the back of his throat, heading down the wrong pipe and making him gag immediately. A second shot of cum did the same before John had to push Alexis off him. Alexis was thrown off her groove and onto her back, quite surprised, and she barely registered the rest of her orgasm as the last of her cum hit her waist and dripped from her cock.
John quickly got up and began to retch into the toilet, trying to bring up the cum that had gone down wrong.
“What’s happening?” Alexis said. “John? What’s wrong? You’re not choking?”
John spit and retched again. His face was red and he was breathing heavily. “I’m sorry,” he said, starting to cry, partly from the retching, and partly from what he was about to say. “I’m sorry. I – can’t – do it. I can’t do it. I can’t handle it.”
Alexis began to pat his back. “It’s okay John. Do you need water? Tell me what’s the problem.”
“Just went down wrong. But… I can’t do this anymore. I’m not good for you.”
“No, John, don’t say that. This isn’t a big deal.”
“Yes it is,” John said, his retching over with, though his voice was strained. His tears were now much more for his thoughts than the pain in his throat. “It is a big deal. I can’t be who you want me to be.”
“You ARE who I want you to be. You’re EXACTLY who I want you to be.”
“No I’m not.”
“John, you’re not who YOU want yourself to be.”
“I can’t be a good boyfriend to you.”
“You’re the best boyfriend,” Alexis said, but she didn’t know how to convince, and she dreaded where this conversation was going. Perhaps it was the heightened emotions, but she thought this conversation was about to become a lot worse than any of the others.
“No, I’m not.” John looked at her dead in the eyes. He saw the tears brimming in her eyes, and he had to fight himself not to look away. “I’m not who you need. I love you, Alexis. I love you a lot. But you deserve better than me.”
“No I don’t!” Alexis said, and her tears broke.
John got up and tried to put his clothes on as fast as he could. He did not want to stay a moment more than necessary and drag this out.
“I’m not right for you,” John said, pulling on his pants. “I wish I were, but I’m not. This just proved it again to me. I want you to find someone who can love you and can do to you what you do to him. Who can repay you every time you do something for him. I don’t want to say what, because I don’t want to imagine you with anyone else. But… you know what I mean.” John finished getting dressed, then helped Alexis to her feet.
“I don’t understand,” Alexis said. But she understood; she just didn’t want to accept it.
John kissed her, and said “Remember me with this, not with what we just did.”
John nearly ran through the house to get to the front door, with Alexis running a moment behind him, trying to catch up and catch him. She had not gotten dressed, and as much as she wanted to, she would not chase him down the street.
John stopped just before opening the door and turned around. He kissed her again, then reached for the doorknob.
“Tell me what’s going on,” Alexis said.
“You know it,” John said, “and I really don’t want to say it, because I love you too much and don’t want to break your heart. But I have to do it. I have to do it for you. Alexis: I am breaking up with you.” John choked up on the last word, and almost couldn’t finish it. He swallowed and said, “But I love you.”
He opened the door and walked out, slamming it closed behind him.
—
To say what Alexis did over the next few hours is easy: she showered, clothed herself, and cried. She skipped lunch and did not feel like eating dinner, although she forced herself to do so. Her parents asked her what was wrong, and she told them that John had broken up with her. She spent the rest of the night in her room and cried herself to sleep.
But to say what Alexis’ thoughts were during this time is impossible. Her head was a jumble of a million emotions, a thousand thoughts racing through it at the speed of light, regret and anger and hatred and grief and love and pain and denial and great loss. This was, up till now, the very worst day of her life.